Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Stress

I have been having a hard time lately dealing with stress. I definitely think I am having anxiety about all the big changes coming up. Living with Daniel, finding a new job, getting used to living in a new area. I'm basically uprooting myself after spending so much time trying to find stability.
I feel ashamed of myself. I want to talk about it, but every time I try to type it out I become angry and feel humiliated. I become paranoid that people will think I am getting worse, that all my progress is erased. Nothing seems to come out right, nothing is worded right. I'm also paranoid about being honest. I don't know who's watching, who will rat me out, who will betray me. Certain people have said stuff to me, stuff that's caused me to be even more paranoid and stressed.
Tonight I got overly upset and angry because I messed up putting a screen protector on, and I the shipment of postcards I ordered was messed up. Both instances ended up being an easy fix (refund and replacement), but because I was feeling stressed (and didn't help I had a stressful conversation at work) I was in an irritable and fragile headspace.
I'm trying to remind myself that this is temporary, that it doesn't mean I am "regressing" or that all my progress has been erased. I'm just having a hard time now. It's just difficult to not have blinders on and focus on the negative. Feel like everyone has me under a microscope and is judging me, or thinking I am falling apart. It doesn't help that I've been told some things by certain people, and I can't really talk about it because I'm paranoid.
I hate feeling like I have to defend myself. I hate feeling like I can't admit I'm having a hard time. Because when I do, I am making myself vulnerable and then I get paranoid about what other people will think. I get paranoid that they will think this is how I am. They will forget all the progress.
I need to stop this is just causing me to become more stressed, upset, and paranoid. I am in a thought spiral and I feeling like crying from frustration. I'm so scared and paranoid about being honest about having a hard time. I want to scream.

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