I've been thinking a lot about how my spirituality plays a role in my life, and how I need to start incorporating it more. For Ostara, I charged my stones and did a fresh sage smudging (after writing a list of things that no longer serve me, and burned them).
Today felt like so much stress and icky stuff was gone. I never considered how much bad juju was floating around, and how that bad energy was affecting me. It builds up in subtle ways. I guess yesterday I did my own version of "Spring cleaning."
I've changed my beliefs a few times. When I was younger I believed what I did because that was all I was exposed to. I didn't really have a choice, and I probably didn't know I even had one. When I reached my late teen years and realized Catholicism wasn't for me, I began to look into Wicca (thanks to a friend who identified as Wiccan). Soon I did as well, and I believed what I did because that's what books told me. I thought there was only one way to be a Wiccan. Book of Shadows, Altar, believing in the Horned God, and triple Goddess.
As I got older, I struggled with my beliefs. I found myself second-guessing myself; half believing, but convincing myself otherwise. I felt a strong spiritual connection to nature, but other parts of being Wicca just didn't speak to me. When I did an alter it felt like I was adhering to a set of standards. I was supposed to have an altar, supposed to believe in the god and goddess (and the whole notion of them mating, and the goddess giving birth to the god, etc). During the holidays I identified with the natural aspects and symbolism. I didn't, however, identify with the parts that contained a god and goddess. I didn't identify with the use of tools. But I still forced myself to do it, because that's what I was supposed to.
I thought I must be a fake Wiccan. I tried to find something that fit for years, but it always felt forced. Then, at some point, I just let it come naturally. I did do some reading, and realized I was Pagan and that the amazing thing about being Pagan is that there are many who feel the same way I do. I also realized this is my spirituality and unlike the religion of my youth, I didn't have to be forced or expected to do things a certain way.
I am very nature-based. I worship nature, the universe. I don't believe in an anthropomorphic god. I don't use tools or have an altar. Even my gemstones are from nature.
I feel connected and content in my spirituality.