Monday, February 26, 2018

Growth

The stick this week I picked is, "growth." What does growth mean to me? One of my yearly affirmations at one point was, "compare me to me." Meaning, compare present me to past me. How much have I changed? How much have I grown? A couple of years ago, I decided to go through all of my diaries I had been keeping since I was 11 or so. A lot of it was painful to read, especially the teenage years. But one thing I noticed was that it was like I was reading the diaries of someone else.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. I was lashing out at people, having anger outbursts, and generally being a shitty person (that's not to say I am a shitty person, just what I was doing was shitty). When I act like that, I get down on myself. I wonder if I really have grown and changed. A lot of people tell me I have, but I tend to hide outbursts like that. Mostly because I'm ashamed of myself. But if I'm comparing me to me, then I think I have grown. For one, my outbursts, 95% of the time seem to be isolated to online interactions. I can't say that for past me. Another change I notice is how I react to these situations. Before I would think I'd done nothing wrong, now I know I have and when I can, I try to fix it. For example, I plan on reaching out and apologizing to one of the people I lashed out at yesterday. Unfortunately, that's not always possible, and the best I can do is forgive myself.

I've also grown in other ways. I am clear on my career path now and have been at the same job consistently for a year and 4 months (or almost 2 school years). I used to move around a lot, only staying in one place for months at a time. Now I've been in the same place for a year and 8 months. Finally, before Daniel, my longest relationship was about 6 months. He and I are celebrating our 2 year anniversary in April.

So, yeah, I do still struggle and have my moments. But it's a lot less, and the big difference is how I react to it. I want to start being more honest about my outbursts. The thing is, BPD is extremely hard to deal with, and while it's not an excuse, a lot of my behaviors are part of my disorder.

As far as growth this week, I would like to see growth in my lesson planning. I am able to create lessons for my RTI and math groups, and I'm excited to actually plan something out, and use the information I've been learning in my methods and materials class.

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