Tuesday, December 27, 2016

On Taming the Red Lantern

One thing I want to work on in 2017 (and really, starting now) is my anger. It's no secret that one of the traits of BPD is, "Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt," and it's one of the traits that I struggle the most with*. What makes it so difficult for me to control, is the impulsiveness that also comes with BPD. Often, by the time I feel an outburst coming on it's too late to catch it. There are certain situations where my anger is hardest control, and please understand it takes me a lot to admit some of the stuff I am about to share. The feeling of shame and guilt that come after an anger outburst do not fade easily, and can be rehashed immediately.

  1. On Facebook. I have had to block several people because I couldn't control my anger during a debate/comment exchange/what-have-you. Not only have I had outbursts on people, but I've made sure I got the last word in by private messaging them and saying something nasty before blocking them. I block because I am ashamed of myself and my behavior, but by the time I realize it I'm in too deep.
  2. Dealing with customer service. I've talked about this before. When I have to deal with customer service at a company, the more complicated things get the more frustrated I become. I hate having unresolved issues, and so even if I'm fuming I will keep calling back until the problem is fixed. However, because it takes me longer to get back to baseline, I'm usually fuming and screaming by the time I get to someone who can help me. I especially have trouble controlling my anger if I have to repeat myself several times.
  3. Sudden frustrations. I don't deal well with sudden changes or wrenches in my routine. A missed bus, spilled coffee, someone cutting in front of me on the bus. For these particular instances my reaction depends on, 1. the mood I'm currently in and 2. how quickly it comes about. Unfortunately, because it takes me longer to get back to baseline, something small can alter my entire day.
I really want to try and work on my anger. Constantly feeling frustrated, having over the top reactions, and giving into my anger leaves me feeling stressed, frustrated (an emotion that fuels angers), annoyed, ashamed, guilty, and other bad juju feelings. I've also pushed a lot of people away (some recently). Here is my plan for helping my anger.

1.Yoga in the morning and before bed, even if it's just a 10 minute video.
1A. Once I do the bed time one, NO GOING ONLINE.
2. Writing more. Let my anger out through a pen.
3. Avoiding any Facebook debate for at least a month; whether it's on my own status, a friend's, or a stranger's who just said something dumb and I HAVE to comment. In a month, I will see if I can better handle intelligent debate without flipping out.
4. When it comes to the small, everyday things; take a breath and practice some form of mindfulness. For me, this will most likely be making commentary about stuff around me.

The most important factor, is forgiving myself if a struggle or mess up. Staying present, not judging my judging, and moving forward.

*please do not comment with advice unless you've specifically dealt with anger as a Borderline.

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