Monday, December 12, 2016

Hopeful

Some of you reading this are aware of the struggles my boyfriend and I have had in the past. If you're not, here is a brief summary; he broke up with me, ghosted me several times, constantly avoided me when he had to tell me bad news, and had trouble making any sort of real commitment. In general he avoided and ghosted pretty much everyone for long periods of time, not just me. He has always had a very hard time making commitments and long term plans. He broke up with me because he couldn't see himself with anyone. He had a lot of self-doubt, and basically felt he wasn't worth it. He avoided officially getting back together with me because he, "couldn't see himself marrying [me]." Which, pretty much translated to he couldn't see himself marrying anyone (not cause he didn't want to, but because he didn't think anyone should have to deal with him). Last year he got interviewed for a local college magazine. This part sums up a lot of his issues pretty well,

"It’s the little things that trip Daniel up. The stuff of sticky notes. To-do lists, people whose names become to-do lists, copied and pasted forward to another day, another month, another year, another time in which he hopes to become someone different. It’s the little productive things. The emails that don’t seem important enough to write. The emails that become too important to write. The ticket he got for having an outdated registration, the one Daniel put on his windshield, the $50 ticket for which he wrote the check but for which he didn’t buy a stamp, the one he never mailed, the one that became a court case for driving on a suspended license. It’s the small, productive things that get him down."

Knowing all this, it's probably easier to understand the meaning and  happiness I feel regarding our current relationship. He has been making plans weeks, months in advance with me (he used to wait until last minute). If he needs to cancel, he actual calls or at least texts me and tells me. He told me he's getting more and more excited for our future. Recently we've started talking about the possibility of moving in together someday. Considering his struggles, this is a pretty big deal. We obviously aren't planning anything right now, but just the fact he can see it in our future means a lot. I talked to him about my worries as to where we would live. He has always talked about wanting to live in Stoddard, a town close to where he lives. I want to go back to school and get my teaching license, and would have to stay at my job so I could get tuition reimbursement. Even with a car, the commute would be too long (I've assumed that if we did move in together I'd go to him since he hates the city). He told me that the Stoddard thing would be eventually, but not right away. Then today he told me it's not set in stone, and he'd consider moving close to me if he got a good job offer. Another reason he broke up with me and wouldn't commit again for a long time is because he couldn't see himself having kids in the next 5-6 years (I'll be 40 in six years, and would like to have kid(s) before then). Today he told me he wants to figure out what he wants to do next as far as going back to school because, "I don't want to have a family and be makings [low about of money] a year." I know this wasn't directly related to me, but it says a lot; it says he's thinking about the future. He also told me that even if he's not ready, it wouldn't mean we would break up.

He's definitely come a long way, 

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