Monday, November 14, 2016

Love and Life

I spent the weekend with Daniel, and I left with a lot of positive feelings and thoughts. I've always had a difficult time believing someone could love me; especially if I don't hear the actual words. This weekend I questioned Daniel's love for me because of something I saw on his phone (I don't want to get into details). When he saw that I thought he didn't love me, he got upset and started crying. Then he told me, "you're on my team," and that we were a team and he's never felt like he was on a team before. When I told him I was afraid he'd break up with me because the distance between us was too much, he told me, "after everything we've been through, all the ups and downs. Do you really think I'm going to say it's a commute problem?" He also told me that I know him better than anyone and in ways most people don't. When I asked if I knew all his layers he told me not only did I, but I keep discovering new ones. 

Sometimes it's hard to tell if the love I feel is real. Borderlines have such intense emotions and we sometimes mistake  obsession for love. Daniel is real though. The love I feel for him is real. I love every part of him. The good, the not so good, the scary, the broken. I love it all. He doesn't understand why, and that's part of why we are so good together. He said that we both support each other, and I actually feel it. He know me, he can sense my emotions and feelings without even looking at me.

The distance it tough sometimes; especially for me. For him I'm a couple hours drive. Not a short drive, but something that's completely doable and at any time. For me it's not quite as simple since I don't have a car. I admit, it's hard not being able to see him during the week or being able to pop over his house whenever I want. Despite all this, we've been doing a good job seeing each other as much as possible. Before I used to feel like I needed a reason to see him. A holiday, an event, but now we've been seeing each other when nothing is planned.

There's a lot I'm scared of. The unknown gives me anxiety. Not knowing what the future holds. One big thing I worry about is when and if we're ready to take the next step, what will happen? Will we be able to compromise on a place to live? If it's closer to him, what will happen with my career plans? I want to go back to school and get a teaching degree. Will  be able to do that still? I worry about being 4 years and 7 months older than him. I wonder if he'll be ready to have kids within the next six years. Will he break up with me if he's not and replace me with someone younger? It's hard for me to control this anxiety, but I know he has a lot of fears too.

For right now I am focusing on the present. We are planning our first vacation together. We are hopefully going to Montreal in February for Valentines day. I'm super excited because I feel it's a sign our relationship is going well, and I've never been to Canada!

There's a lot I'm looking forward to. This month I'm going to NYC, next month is Jamaica and my sister's wedding, January is Arisia, February is Nerdcon and Canada. Work is going well, and I'm trying my hardest. I want to make sure they renew my contract in April. I plan on starting to save money in January for a car (added to whatever I get for tax returns). The last thing I want is to have to use that savings  for bills because I need to look for a new job. I know I shouldn't talk negative, but the way I see it at least I have a plan B. As much as I don't want it to happen.

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