I have a lot on my mind right now, so this entry is going to be a big all over the place. I have a boyfriend, and I love him; so you would think that I wouldn't get jealous over an unrequited crush. Well, you'd be wrong. I've had a crush on this dude for about a year and a half. He doesn't feel like same about me. Probably because I'm too skinny for him and I'm fucking crazy. Most of the time the fact he doesn't reciprocate my feelings doesn't bother me. Until I find out he's going home with a mutual friend of ours to fuck her. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. I've known they like each other for a while now, and since he's recently single it was bound to happen. Really, I'm the one who had to ask if he offered her a ride home or if she asked. I don't know why I even care or why it bothers me. What I can tell you is that acting like I didn't in front of my friends, sucked. Just smile, and tell her it's totally cool while I feel like I'm falling apart inside. Walk out smiling, and then cry on the T. The only thing that made it a bit better was Daniel texting me. I was actually thinking about how I was going to try to not text him and wait for him to initiate conversation with me, and then I look at my phone and see a text from him!
I've been having some existential anxiety. I think this is best illustrated by (as best I can) typing out the monologue of thoughts that run through my head. Usually either all at the same time or one after another.
"I have a boyfriend and a job. This is nice."
"But I've had bad luck with jobs in the past, and what if something happens with Daniel?"
"I think I want to go to school for my teaching licence. That BU thing sounds neat."
"But if I go to school at BU, I'll need to stick around Boston and stay with my job for at least two years. That means I can't move in with Daniel if our relationship gets serious. But the time I'm done with school I'll be 37. I'd only have 3 years to move in, get married, and have kids."
"Well, I could have a car by then and maybe he'd move somewhere neutral."
"What if he doesn't want to? He wants to build a house in Stoddard. I can't commute 2 hours every day."
"Are we doomed to break up?"
"I shouldn't be thinking about this. I have no idea what's going to happen."
"What if this is a red flag?"
"Maybe I should think about something else."
"Climate change. When is the earth going to die? Are we going to run out of resources? How have they lasted this long?"
"I hope I get paid tomorrow."
My psychiatrist says I can start taking my Ativan daily rather than just a PRN. I'm going to be getting a new psychiatrist (through my PCP) because I'm changing therapists and I need to have one at the center my current psychiatrist is at to keep seeing her. I like my therapist, but she wasn't really helping in the way I wanted. I thought we were going to do DBT, but most of the time it was just me rambling on about what's going on in my life. I can do that with my friends. I want someone who's going to take charge and say, "here's what we are doing today." Someone who knows about diary cards, has DBT handouts prepared. I wasn't getting that with this therapist. I'm hoping I can be prescribed something a bit stronger to help with my anxiety. My current psychiatrist didn't think I needed to be on meds because I had therapy, and I should focus on that to help with my BPD. The problem is, while there is no med for BPD, there certainly are several for anxiety. I feel that by medicating my anxiety disorder it will help with a lot of other stuff.
I've been having body image issues the past few days. I've actually been doing really good with that, and feel like it's been under control for a while now. I haven't had any negative body thoughts since I don't know when. Then suddenly it hit and I feel gross and fat. I hate my stomach, it looks flabby to me. I'm told that it's just skin and not fat. I've started doing ab workouts again, along with yoga every morning. I did read something that helped, "That thing you are calling your stomach pouch, it’s probably meant to be there. Human anatomy clearly shows a small hump from your navel to the top of your private area. This is clear on all people." I've also been having a lot of body pain lately. My Doctor says it's due to low iron. I did skip my pills for a few days, but I'm surprised the pain returned so quickly.
I feel better now that I got that all out. Little upset it took me so long. I just couldn't focus.