Sunday, October 9, 2016


I hate that I've gone through so many cycles in my life that I am programmed to assume I am doomed to fail. Every time I feel like I have my life together, something goes wrong. Usually I lose my job first; then, with no income, I lose a place to live. Every time I get my hopes up or am confident, it falls apart. So now, I just expect to fail.

I know the problem, it's not like I sit around thinking, "why me?" Having BPD has severely debilitated my stability in life. I keep trying, all the time. What frustrates me is that people probably look at me and see someone who keeps making the same mistakes over an over, but they don't understand how difficult it is; they don't understand how much work I put in. I hate that I keep saying, "this time will be different," and then it's not. I thought that by being open about my mental illness problems at my last job, would help. I was wrong, I'm pretty sure I was sabotaged. In fact, I wasn't even the first person to recognize it. Someone else did.

I love my job, but I'm not very confident. Every time I get excited for all the things I have coming up, and the prospect of owning a car, it quickly  goes away and turns into trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I lose this job. Because why should I think any differently? I haven't been able to keep a job for at least a year since 2012, and the last time I kept a job for more than a year was 2006ish.

What do I do? It's not like I'm not in therapy. It's not like I don't know what the problem is. I guess I just need to focus a lot on therapy and the core issues.

I'm feeling really defeated, anxious, defeated, and not hopeful right now. I have no reason to feel any differently.  I have a million things going on in my head. I don't even want to get my license anymore. I don't want to be a lead teacher. But how long do schools employ Paras? Will I be able to have a future making what I do.

I'm so irritated, frustrated, and I can't....I really want to be confident right now, but I'm just not.

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