Thursday, October 13, 2016

Yeah...It Does Bother Me

I have a lot on my mind right now, so this entry is going to be a big all over the place. I have a boyfriend, and I love him; so you would think that I wouldn't get jealous over an unrequited crush. Well, you'd be wrong. I've had a crush on this dude for about a year and a half. He doesn't feel like same about me. Probably because I'm too skinny for him and I'm fucking crazy. Most of the time the fact he doesn't reciprocate my feelings doesn't bother me. Until I find out he's going home with a mutual friend of ours to fuck her. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. I've known they like each other for a while now, and since he's recently single it was bound to happen. Really, I'm the one who had to ask if he offered her a ride home or if she asked. I don't know why I even care or why it bothers me. What I can tell you is that acting like I didn't in front of my friends, sucked. Just smile, and tell her it's totally cool while I feel like I'm falling apart inside. Walk out smiling, and then cry on the T. The only thing that made it a bit better was Daniel texting me. I was actually thinking about how I was going to try to not text him and wait for him to initiate conversation with me, and then I look at my phone and see a text from him!

I've been having some existential anxiety. I think this is best illustrated by (as best I can) typing out the monologue of thoughts that run through my head. Usually either all at the same time or one after another.

"I have a boyfriend and a job. This is nice."
"But I've had bad luck with jobs in the past, and what if something happens with Daniel?"
"I think I want to go to school for my teaching licence. That BU thing sounds neat."
"But if I go to school at BU, I'll need to stick around Boston and stay with my job for at least two years. That means I can't move in with Daniel if our relationship gets serious. But the time I'm done with school I'll be 37. I'd only have 3 years to move in, get married, and have kids."
"Well, I could have a car by then and maybe he'd move somewhere neutral."
"What if he doesn't want to? He wants to build a house in Stoddard. I can't commute 2 hours every day."
"Are we doomed to break up?"
"I shouldn't be thinking about this. I have no idea what's going to happen."
"What if this is a red flag?"
"Maybe I should think about something else."
"Climate change. When is the earth going to die? Are we going to run out of resources? How have they lasted this long?"
"I hope I get paid tomorrow."

My psychiatrist says I can start taking my Ativan daily rather than just a PRN. I'm going to be getting a new psychiatrist (through my PCP) because I'm changing therapists and I need to have one at the center my current psychiatrist is at to keep seeing her. I like my therapist, but she wasn't really helping in the way I wanted. I thought we were going to do DBT, but most of the time it was just me rambling on about what's going on in my life. I can do that with my friends. I want someone who's going to take charge and say, "here's what we are doing today." Someone who knows about diary cards, has DBT handouts prepared. I wasn't getting that with this therapist. I'm hoping I can be prescribed something  a bit stronger to help with my anxiety. My current psychiatrist didn't think I needed to be on meds because I had therapy, and I should focus on that to help with my BPD. The problem is, while there is no med for BPD, there certainly are several for anxiety. I feel that by medicating my anxiety disorder it will help with a lot of other stuff.

I've been having body image issues the past few days. I've actually been doing really good with that, and feel like it's been under control for a while now. I haven't had any negative body thoughts since I don't know when. Then suddenly it hit and I feel gross and fat. I hate my stomach, it looks flabby to me. I'm told that it's just skin and not fat. I've started doing ab workouts again, along with yoga every morning. I did read something that helped, "That thing you are calling your stomach pouch, it’s probably meant to be there. Human anatomy clearly shows a small hump from your navel to the top of your private area. This is clear on all people." I've also been having a lot of body pain lately. My Doctor says it's due to low iron. I did skip my pills for a few days, but I'm surprised the pain returned so quickly.

I feel better now that I got that all out. Little upset it took me so long. I just couldn't focus.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Don't Pretend to Know, The Challenges I'm Facing.

As a person with BPD, one of the greatest challenge I have is maintaining interpersonal relationships; especially romantic ones. The following are specific problems I have within my relationship with Daniel.

Problem: Dealing with him isolating and not responding to my texts and calls. Putting aside the past, in general I have a difficult time with extended periods of no contact. The thing about Daniel is when he’s depressed he isolates. My black and white thinking causes me to always assume the worst. One of the major traits of BPD is, “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.” So, even though we’ve talked about his ghosting me in the past, he hasn’t done it for almost a year, and we are both in different places; I still assume the worst when he doesn’t respond to me for a couple of days. This causes me to text and call him obsessively, which I know only causes him more anxiety and makes him want to hide even longer. The other aspect of this is, in the event that something is wrong or he is upset with me, I struggle with remembering I’m not going to make it any better by sending him 30 text messages in a row.

Challenge: How do I get through the times when he’s in isolation mode without going into a full blown panic?

Problem: I have some very strong feminist views, some of which Daniel doesn’t understand. I want to be clear on the distinction between not agreeing and not understanding. He has admitted he comes at issues from a very privileged place. We don’t always agree; for example, we both are passionate about women’s rights, but he tends to focus on larger scale issues. For instance, he has trouble understanding the role micro aggressions play into something like rape and violent racist acts. We also have slightly different views regarding prostitution (though I was able to change his view on this a bit). He loves the I’m so passionate, and he wants me to educate him. Here’s the problem, I’m so used to people who don’t understand my view point being ignorant, bigoted people. Because of this I tend to lash out at Daniel and attack him. He has worked in DC and is a political science major, so debating and discussion issues is something he’s good at face to face. I’m better at it on paper. I often get flustered and impulsively angry that I just start yelling. I’ll end up kicking myself for days and then typing out a perfectly mature and eloquent argument.

Challenge: How can I have conversations with him regarding issues he’s open to learning about, without flying off the handle? More importantly, how can I do this face to face and in the moment?

Problem: This one sort of goes hand in hand with the last point. Part of the reason I get so worked up is A. due to my anxiety and my tendency to make mountains out of mole hills and draw wild conclusions (oh he doesn’t understand micro aggressions, this must mean he slut shames women!) and B. My irrational fear that if we disagree on anything, it means we are doomed to fail. I also struggle with the fact he’s a tad less PC then I am.  


Challenge: How can I get over the fear that disagreement=not meant to be together? How do I not nitpick about everything? 

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Frustrated

I hate that I've gone through so many cycles in my life that I am programmed to assume I am doomed to fail. Every time I feel like I have my life together, something goes wrong. Usually I lose my job first; then, with no income, I lose a place to live. Every time I get my hopes up or am confident, it falls apart. So now, I just expect to fail.

I know the problem, it's not like I sit around thinking, "why me?" Having BPD has severely debilitated my stability in life. I keep trying, all the time. What frustrates me is that people probably look at me and see someone who keeps making the same mistakes over an over, but they don't understand how difficult it is; they don't understand how much work I put in. I hate that I keep saying, "this time will be different," and then it's not. I thought that by being open about my mental illness problems at my last job, would help. I was wrong, I'm pretty sure I was sabotaged. In fact, I wasn't even the first person to recognize it. Someone else did.

I love my job, but I'm not very confident. Every time I get excited for all the things I have coming up, and the prospect of owning a car, it quickly  goes away and turns into trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I lose this job. Because why should I think any differently? I haven't been able to keep a job for at least a year since 2012, and the last time I kept a job for more than a year was 2006ish.

What do I do? It's not like I'm not in therapy. It's not like I don't know what the problem is. I guess I just need to focus a lot on therapy and the core issues.

I'm feeling really defeated, anxious, defeated, and not hopeful right now. I have no reason to feel any differently.  I have a million things going on in my head. I don't even want to get my license anymore. I don't want to be a lead teacher. But how long do schools employ Paras? Will I be able to have a future making what I do.

I'm so irritated, frustrated, and I can't....I really want to be confident right now, but I'm just not.