Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Make New Friends, But Keep The Old or Silver and Gold

My feelings on making friends are very complicated. On the surface, I don't like making new friends. Thus, I do not actively seek friendships out. However, if I meet someone and we are getting along, I get excited about the new person; I also get nervous and scared. I've pushed a lot of people away and when I feel like someone may be more than an acquaintance my brain thinks, "how long until you fuck this up and push this person away?" I also have different levels of how my Borderline reacts to friends (think of it like a risk alert chart). Let's use the example of a friend not calling me back within an expected time frame.

FP, Friend(s) I'm Attracted to ( Cis Men Only)-AAAAHHH THEY HATE ME, THEY ARE DITCHING ME.
Cis Male Platonic Friends-Annoyed, irritated.
Women/Gender Non-Conforming Friends I'm Attracted To-Worried, antsy
Women/Gender Non-Conforming Platonic Friends-Meh, whatevs.

Of course, this is not a consistent chart. For example, if I feel like my FP is ignoring me, it can heighten my anxiety and worry. I can easily start to feel like everyone is avoiding me. However, in general, because I get attached to men differently than I do women, my brain reacts differently.

Another reason I have so much trouble with new friends is I just assume everyone finds me obnoxious. Pair this with the fact I've been told when I was younger, "don't talk to my friends," and I pretty much always think I'm a burden. Recently I was introduced to some friends of a friend. I've been chatting with one, and my friend pointed out I'd really get along with another. What does my brain think? "He's annoyed I'n talking to his friends, I'm butting in. I'm a burden. I'm that annoying friend no one wants around. I'm not welcome, but he/they are just being nice."

Finally, and this may be the biggest reason, I'm often embarrassed for people to get to know me. How do you tell a person you keep losing/quitting jobs, moving around, haven't been in a relationship longer than 10 months; and not feel like they are going to judge you for being a complete loser and waste of space? I don't exactly bring these things up on my own, but if I'm asked I try my best to word it in a way that doesn't make me seem unstable as fuck. "I have a shitty mental disorder than severely affects my quality of life. Including, but not limited to, job and interpersonal relationships." I mean, I could say that, but are they really ready to hear about my Disorder? It's even worse when the person seems so put together.

This is a complicated topic, especially because some of my friends I have feelings for. Oh, there's a good example. Heidi and Green Lantern cut of contact with me around the same time. Heidi, told me she'd contact me again, and just needed a break. Despite having her literally sit across from me on the T and not say a word, I haven't tried to contact her once in the past four months. Green Lantern ended our friendship and said things that were upsetting and hurtful. I've emailed and texted him multiple times since then. I miss him a lot. The difference? Heidi, while one of my best friends, was just a platonic (and a woman) friend). Will was a dude I had a crush on.

The cherry on top? Add in my fear of abandonment and being alone.

Did your head explode?

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