Sunday, September 4, 2016

Can You Love Someone You Don't Trust?

He told me he'd take me to ride horses, he told me we could go to Saratoga. I didn't get that. I should be used to him telling me things he doesn't follow through with.

We met in fall/winter of 2013 (when I started working at Easter Seals). He broke up with me in the shittiest way in Oct of 2014. First time he ghosted me was Dec 2014-March 2015. We talked for literally maybe 3 days. Then he ghosted me again from March 2015-early summer of 2015. Then from Aug 2015 until April 2016 and we've been talking since then.

Last summer around the middle of August, like the 15th/16th, I took SG to a football game. We had talked previously about him staying over after the game. The whole time I was under the impression that was the plan. It wasn't until we were driving back that he told me he wasn't staying over. I had, what I admit, was a really bad reaction. Basically he drove away with me sitting on the sidewalk in hysterics. We talked afterwards and he assured me everything was okay. I asked him about hanging out for Labor day weekend and possibly sometime before that. After that day he started to become flaky with communication. Promising me we'd talk and he'd call, but not responding to me and when he did it was only a text message assuring me we'd talk soon; or that he wasn't in the mood to talk. I kept trying to get him to let me know about Labor day weekend plans, and he didn't give me a solid answer until last minute. Eventually he just stopped talking to me all together in what would become the third time he would ghost me. We started talking again this past March/April, and I learned that the whole time everything was not okay and he was actually really upset about the way I reacted that night. But, you know, instead of being honest he just avoided me and acted flaky and eventually isolated.

Fastfoward to a few weeks ago, almost the exact same weekend as the football game. He cancels plans and then isn't able to hang out the following weekend. I have a not so great reaction. Suddenly he's flaky with communication, doesn't really get back to me about potential plans; says he'll call, but doesn't (ie-we texted tues and he said he'd try to call Wednesday. It's now Sunday and nothing). There are difference between this time and last, and I'm trying desperately to focus on them. -He has said this time that he wants to see me ASAP -He apologized for putting me through this -He said he wanted to try and make it down to see me this week -I might be overeacting about my reaction. It was not as bad as last year -He told me he's having a bad reaction to his meds One of the major things about SG is he absolutely hates upsetting me or hearing my, "sad voice." It's why he broke up with me the way he did. Not to be malicious, but because he's a coward and can't deal with hurting me;and he will be the first to tell you that. It's why him reassuring me and telling me everything is okay and things are fine does little to help, because he's done that so many times in the pase, and things were not okay. He's pretended they were just to keep me happy or avoid upsetting me. He has issues of his own, which I'm sure you've picked up on. The most difficult part about writing this is that I'm hesitant to talk about his struggles in such a public setting. At the same time, it's also hard for me to talk about my troubles with him without giving a full explanation of what he deals with, without fear of people judging him.
I want to trust him...but his actions speak louder. He says he still cares and wants to see me and isn't going to ghost me. I wanted to trust him, but I am realizing that part of me doesn't. His actions speak louder than his words. He keeps saying, "I don't know what else to say to you," every time he tells me he stills cares about me deeply and wants to see me ASAP. It's not that I don't believe him, but when he says it and then doesn't return my text or calls for days; how am I supposed to believe he's acting any differently than before? Maybe there is a difference, but he needs to work on letting me know through his actions. We've been over it multiple times. If he's having a hard time, he can text and let me know he needs space. He doesn't, and so it's hard for me to see the the difference in his behavior.

The thing is, I know he's trying. There's little things he's done, and small progresses he's made, but he still has such a long way to go. I also have a lot of work too. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's so hard with the timing of everything. Especially because within the past month he's seen three of his friends and his sister (they all live out of state). I've always been paranoid that they talk him into distancing himself from me, even though the rational part of me kind of believes that's not true. Still, sister visits and suddenly he's not communicating? But then on the other hand he keeps talking about how he really wants to visit? Then there's the fact that maybe he's not communicating because he was too upset that he couldn't. This is my point, I never know with him.

Here's the hardest part. I have trouble trusting him,but I love him. I love him so fucking much. A big part of what causes me anxiety is that I haven't really done much dating since breaking up with him. In fact, I haven't been in an actual relationship since we broke up. I've dated here and there, but nothing serious; and every time we start hanging out it's always intimate. I'm scared in order to have any type of a future I need to completely cut him out of my life. I cannot, we cannot, be platonic friends. We've tried. I also, know what it feels like to live with out him. It feels like a hole has been ripped from my chest, and the very thought of being with anyone but him, of him being with someone else, is too upsetting to even think about. I've breached the subject with him, about what we're going to do, and he won't talk about it. He doesn't really like thinking ahead, it's one of the ways we differ.
He told me that he doesn't see himself marrying me. I told him this made me feel like I was a place holder. Because it essentially meant he didn't plan on being with me long term (not that we are actually "together). So, what did he plan? Being with me until someone better came along? How did he intend on working that out? He explained that he doesn't seem himself marrying anyone, because he doesn't want anyone to have to deal with his issues. He's also is worried about not being able to be there for me. Basically all his reasons have nothing to do with how he feels about me. He loves me, all his best moments over the past couple of years having been with me. He's also said that he can't think that far ahead because we haven't spent a lot of consecutive time together. I also know he doesn't want to say things that hurt me, that he has unrealistic views of relationships, and that I have a hard time knowing if he means it when he says there's a possibility of us being together.

He won't let me go, and I'm afraid if he does the only way he can is by ghosting me. I can't let him go. It's a fucked up situation and right now I'm trying not to contact him. This is part of what's causing me to have such a rough time. I can do fine for a few days, but the thought of completely cutting him from my life....I don't even want to think about it.

I love him. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared I've wasted to many months and a future.

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