Wednesday, September 28, 2016

C-C-C-COMBO!!!

The combination of BPD and GAD sucks sometimes. It really, really sucks. SG has been so good about staying in contact with me, and not disappearing. He came to the conclusion that we are a couple on his own, it felt natural. Yet, since that my anxiety and fears of rejection have been kicked into high gear. Worried about the future, worried he's going to leave me, cognitive distortions running rampant. It's overwhelming, and when it's happening it feels like it's never going to be okay.

Yesterday we had an argument over something that we disagree about. After a while I was able to get him to change his opinion a bit. However, I was convinced that we were doomed to fail in the future; that because we disagreed on this one thing, we were going to break up. To make myself feel better, I made a list of all the reasons I love him, and sent it to him. I sent it to him, and asked if he could do the same for me. We texted back and forth, and then said goodnight. Everything seemed fine, but when I didn't get an email back from him in a specific amount of time, I started to panic. The Borderline in me is convinced he's abandoned me, the anxiety makes it seem like I am trapped and nothing will be okay until I hear from him. I try and convince myself he's probably sleeping, but it's no use.  I can't describe the terror when the anxiety takes hold; like you're paralyzed with fear, and no amount of logic will do anything to convince you that it's all in your head. It doesn't matter that we just spoke, or that I know him. None of it matters. The over generalizing happens, comparing the past to now. I know he's made a lot of mistakes and he's hurt me, but he's done so much better; he's put in so much effort.

Then, I get a text from him; and just like that it feels like a monster has been ripped off my back. I can breathe again, my thoughts stop racing. Everything is okay, but it really isn't. Dealing with that kind of anxiety is tiring, it's draining. It causes depression, and it takes a bit to get back to baseline. Anxiety and depression are cousins. I'm scared my behavior will push him away. Paranoid. The anxiety starts again. Emotional amnesia, I forget every time. Every time it's terrible. Black and white thinking, paranoia. It's so hard to stop. Hardest when it comes to close relationships.

BPD and GAD team up, they fight me. I'm stronger. I can make it through.

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