Saturday, August 27, 2016

What It's Like

Imagine a lot of people talking to you at once.

No, more.


Are you imagining this? At least 100 people, all talking at you and to you. All at once.

Now imagine each of them is asking you a question that starts with, "what if."

Imagine now, more people join in. 

Everyone, all at once.

Imagine the people who just joined are nagging you; harping on you about your past, your future, and what you're doing with your life.

Picture yourself in the middle of 100+ people, all talking at once. Their words overlap, come in shouts and whispers. They repeat themselves, demanding a response from you; even when you don't have one.

Imagine yourself trapped. Unable to get away from all of the people, unable to shut them out.

You want to run, but you can't. You try to escape, but one of them grabs you and starts talking at you, "what if...."

Now take all of those people, all of the questions, all of the nagging; and most of all, take the feeling of being trapped and someone grabbing on to you.

Take it all, roll it all up into one big ball, and place it inside your brain.

This is what anxiety feels like.

People get anxious, but an anxiety disorder is different. It feels like a thousand voices at once. It feels like you're trapped, and no matter what you can't get away. It's not cute, or endearing. It's fucking scary. 
  • Constant racing thoughts
  • Always anticipating disaster
  • Not knowing how not to worry
  • Having your anxiety affect different aspects of your life, such as work.
Laying awake at night with tears streaming down your face, because you're so overcome with fear and worry that you don't know what to do.

Constantly thinking people are talking about you.

Assuming everyone is staring at you when you go out.

Not being able to slow down your brain.

Over analyzing everything.

This is what it's like to have an anxiety disorder.

It's scary. It can be even scarier when mixed with BPD.

Last night was one of those nights. I slipped, I cut. I'm okay. I woke up depressed, randomly crying.

Anxiety and depression are cousins.

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