Monday, August 8, 2016

On Death and Dying

I'm not sure if I've fully written about my preoccupation with death. If I have, I don't recall, but either way the subject is relevant so I am writing about it now. Relevant because I've recently been having some trouble with my thoughts on death. No, I do not mean my suicidal ideation. Though, that's part of it. The narrative is so complicated, and the thoughts weave an overlap. There are beginnings I am vague on, and one a particular beginning I can pin point exactly. Trying to organize my thoughts on death is complicated, but I think to really start to sort them out, it's best I do just that.

  • An overwhelming reminder that I will die someday with hit me. I will become scared full of despair, and desperate to escape the thoughts. How will it happen? Who will I be with? I'll start visioning my, "perfect death," but then I will be reminded that I have no control over it and the despair will start all over again. At worse I've had night terrors
  • I get bad anxiety when people talk about how, "life flies by." I become obsessed with "counting." How many months? How many years? Is it enough? It never seems like enough.
  • I will daydream about being young and being told I have cancer or some other fatal disease. 
  • When I dream about death, I never actually die in my dreams. It's always everything leading up to it, even when I am on my death bed.
  • I have visions of other people I know dying, of me delivering news of death to people. People I love dying of fatal disease, in car crashes, or even being murdered.
  • Sometimes I will be enjoying life so much, and I will think, "I am never going to be ready to go." I don't want to leave this all behind. However, I will be having those thoughts as I am now. I will also become afraid that I won't accomplish enough, and that I will be alone when I die. 
  • I become scared of the future and things changing (even for the better) because it means I'm, "closer to my death," and I will also be scared of things staying the same. So I get stuck at a stalemate.
  • For those who are unaware, I believe in reincarnation. Sometimes, especially when I'm in nature, I will think that when it's time I will be content to go. But my spirituality betrays me at times. What if I'm reincarnated when the world ends? What if I am born into a time of chaos, death, and suffering? I envision the end of the world ala disaster movies.
  • I get obsessed with watching death related things on TV/Youtube. I'll watch TV Episodes where a character dies, footage of famous people's funeral (there were several days where I kept watching footage from Eva Peron's funeral), and sometimes I will watch people dying in real life tragedies or footage from the tragedy (9/11, Boston bombing, Philandro dying).
  • Then there's the suicidal ideation. I wish I was dead, I want to die. How can I die? I've talked about suicidal ideation specifically on here, but I'm not sure I've mentioned this. Sometimes I'll picture myself jumping in front of a train, I'll feel my body slightly twitch. I won't do it, but that and other visuals like it are so vivid.
The suicidal thought have probably been happening since my early 20's, the watching death related media I'd say since my mid 20's; but all the fear of death? Well, that can be traced back to a single comment. Talking about people who do end up getting married, "all relationships end in divorce or death." I never had the thoughts about death I do now before that comment. What's worse is it was said by SG, so when I'm with him the thoughts can trigger and intensify.

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