Saturday, August 27, 2016

What It's Like

Imagine a lot of people talking to you at once.

No, more.


Are you imagining this? At least 100 people, all talking at you and to you. All at once.

Now imagine each of them is asking you a question that starts with, "what if."

Imagine now, more people join in. 

Everyone, all at once.

Imagine the people who just joined are nagging you; harping on you about your past, your future, and what you're doing with your life.

Picture yourself in the middle of 100+ people, all talking at once. Their words overlap, come in shouts and whispers. They repeat themselves, demanding a response from you; even when you don't have one.

Imagine yourself trapped. Unable to get away from all of the people, unable to shut them out.

You want to run, but you can't. You try to escape, but one of them grabs you and starts talking at you, "what if...."

Now take all of those people, all of the questions, all of the nagging; and most of all, take the feeling of being trapped and someone grabbing on to you.

Take it all, roll it all up into one big ball, and place it inside your brain.

This is what anxiety feels like.

People get anxious, but an anxiety disorder is different. It feels like a thousand voices at once. It feels like you're trapped, and no matter what you can't get away. It's not cute, or endearing. It's fucking scary. 
  • Constant racing thoughts
  • Always anticipating disaster
  • Not knowing how not to worry
  • Having your anxiety affect different aspects of your life, such as work.
Laying awake at night with tears streaming down your face, because you're so overcome with fear and worry that you don't know what to do.

Constantly thinking people are talking about you.

Assuming everyone is staring at you when you go out.

Not being able to slow down your brain.

Over analyzing everything.

This is what it's like to have an anxiety disorder.

It's scary. It can be even scarier when mixed with BPD.

Last night was one of those nights. I slipped, I cut. I'm okay. I woke up depressed, randomly crying.

Anxiety and depression are cousins.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Communication is Key

I'm being tested for Autism. I've talked about this before, and have shared a list of my research (which I've gone over with my therapist). I just haven't brought it up because the testing had to be rescheduled so there's nothing new to talk about. If this were pre DSM-5 I'd technically be being tested for Asperger's. I'm not one to self diagnose, but both my therapist and a former friend with the disorder agree a lot of my behaviors and the information I provided align with the criteria for the disorder. I also learned that's actually not uncommon for people with BPD to also have Asperger's. Since it's not that uncommon for the disorder to go undetected in girls (or be misdiagnosed), it wouldn't be a surprise that it flew under the radar with me. Especially back in the 90's.

In this post, I want to specifically talk about communication. I believe these may or may not be communication quirks of people with Asperger's. This is based on what I've read, talked to my therapist about, and talked to other people with Asperger's about. There are also some in there that I've added that I am not sure about, but wonder. I'm going to be blunt as to give all information and details.

  • I have a difficult time in conversations if the topic is not about something I like or am interested in. I greatly enjoy talking about topics of my liking, but struggle to converse with people about things they like.
  • I hate small talk. Whenever I am engaged in a conversation that exists mostly of small talk, I am doing everything I can to think of a way to escape. Often I leave very abruptly.
  • I can be and take things very literal at times
  • I can be very long winded.
  • I hate eye contact.
  • Difficulty communicating thoughts in words, especially if anxious, stressed or upset. Often can type or write thoughts much better
  • I talk too loudly or too softly in conversations.
  • Not communication exactly, but in social situations my nervous system gets overwhelmed easily and that leads to withdrawal.
  • I am the queen of non-sequiturs. I just have a really difficult time carrying on a conversation that is not about something I like.
I guess we'll see what the tests say on Sept 14th

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Spoons and Self Control

I have a bad habit of only buying enough food for a couple of weeks and using whatever money I have left over on coffee, eating out, trivia, or random little things. I usually run out of money faster than I make it, and have to ask friends for help.

This isn't because I am intentionally being irresponsible or trying to manipulate people. It's because I need to see certain people, I hate being alone sometimes, I need to get out, it's easier to go to trivia once a week than go food shopping twice a month. Sometimes trivia is the only way for me to socialize, and to do that I need money and sometimes that means cutting corners elsewhere. 

It sounds ridiculous, but when you depend on your spoons it makes sense. Food shopping is exhausting for me. There's also the impulsivity factor. Borderlines are extremely impulsive. If there's money sitting in my account, there's a high chance for me to be impulsive about spending $10 here and there and not thinking about it.

I'm trying to change that. I'm not getting paid til the 25th. I know my food won't last til then. So I set aside money for a second food shopping and laundry. I also, previously set aside money for a couple things I had planned this month. It only leaves me with about $30 til pay day, but it'll be a lesson in self control.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016


I've always done a lot better with routine when I am working, and when I have a routine I find it can help tremendously with my mental well being. Adding the PLEASE skills from emotion regulation to my routine helps a lot with actually having a routine. However, I find that actually having that routine is easier when I have a job. Today is only the second day of my new job, and I already find that I am getting into a routine. Wake up, yoga, feed the cat, shower, make lunch, eat breakfast, check email, listen to NPR.

When I don't have a job, I tend to stray off that routine. The problem is, my brain starts to stay into thought of, "is this what it's always going to be like? over and over again?" And I'll start to get anxious, and it will eventually come around to my thoughts of (you guessed it) death. I believe I make up for this at night. Which is why I have a harder time maintaining a routine before bed. I intend to go to bed at a certain time, but don't. I'll say I won't go to trivia, but do. Because I don't want my entire life to to be a routine, to be the same. I see it as, "time is running out, so I have to make sure my life isn't robotic. It's ironic though, as an INFJ the J means I really like planning (how I orient myself to the external world). Hmm, well, I guess that's different isn't it?

Either way, I'm going to work on getting into a night routine.

Monday, August 8, 2016

On Death and Dying

I'm not sure if I've fully written about my preoccupation with death. If I have, I don't recall, but either way the subject is relevant so I am writing about it now. Relevant because I've recently been having some trouble with my thoughts on death. No, I do not mean my suicidal ideation. Though, that's part of it. The narrative is so complicated, and the thoughts weave an overlap. There are beginnings I am vague on, and one a particular beginning I can pin point exactly. Trying to organize my thoughts on death is complicated, but I think to really start to sort them out, it's best I do just that.

  • An overwhelming reminder that I will die someday with hit me. I will become scared full of despair, and desperate to escape the thoughts. How will it happen? Who will I be with? I'll start visioning my, "perfect death," but then I will be reminded that I have no control over it and the despair will start all over again. At worse I've had night terrors
  • I get bad anxiety when people talk about how, "life flies by." I become obsessed with "counting." How many months? How many years? Is it enough? It never seems like enough.
  • I will daydream about being young and being told I have cancer or some other fatal disease. 
  • When I dream about death, I never actually die in my dreams. It's always everything leading up to it, even when I am on my death bed.
  • I have visions of other people I know dying, of me delivering news of death to people. People I love dying of fatal disease, in car crashes, or even being murdered.
  • Sometimes I will be enjoying life so much, and I will think, "I am never going to be ready to go." I don't want to leave this all behind. However, I will be having those thoughts as I am now. I will also become afraid that I won't accomplish enough, and that I will be alone when I die. 
  • I become scared of the future and things changing (even for the better) because it means I'm, "closer to my death," and I will also be scared of things staying the same. So I get stuck at a stalemate.
  • For those who are unaware, I believe in reincarnation. Sometimes, especially when I'm in nature, I will think that when it's time I will be content to go. But my spirituality betrays me at times. What if I'm reincarnated when the world ends? What if I am born into a time of chaos, death, and suffering? I envision the end of the world ala disaster movies.
  • I get obsessed with watching death related things on TV/Youtube. I'll watch TV Episodes where a character dies, footage of famous people's funeral (there were several days where I kept watching footage from Eva Peron's funeral), and sometimes I will watch people dying in real life tragedies or footage from the tragedy (9/11, Boston bombing, Philandro dying).
  • Then there's the suicidal ideation. I wish I was dead, I want to die. How can I die? I've talked about suicidal ideation specifically on here, but I'm not sure I've mentioned this. Sometimes I'll picture myself jumping in front of a train, I'll feel my body slightly twitch. I won't do it, but that and other visuals like it are so vivid.
The suicidal thought have probably been happening since my early 20's, the watching death related media I'd say since my mid 20's; but all the fear of death? Well, that can be traced back to a single comment. Talking about people who do end up getting married, "all relationships end in divorce or death." I never had the thoughts about death I do now before that comment. What's worse is it was said by SG, so when I'm with him the thoughts can trigger and intensify.