Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Resilience

Life has been throwing me a lot of curve balls in the past month. I found out my contract at my job was not being renewed, two of my closest friends ended and our friendships on hold, I've been having issues with my family, I was physically assaulted by my roommate, the person who physically assaulted my last year decided to get a restraining order against me under false pretenses, and I have been living in an apartment that is unsafe and unsanitary.

Despite all this I am, as always, resilient. I don't have much of a support system. Sure, I have friends who offer encouragement here and there, but I don't have people reach out and ask to make plans with me. If you don't count people I see at quiz (i.e.-Quizmasters), the number of friends I have hung out with in person (all initiated by me) in the past few months is three. As usual, I've had to depend on myself to get through hard times. I admit, it can be discouraging at times. When I see other people post of hardships they get dozens upon dozens of comments of support and offers of help, and my posts mostly go ignored; perhaps a few comments here and there by the same handful of people (who I am very grateful to). Am I that bad of a person? Am I so horrible that people do not want to help me? Do they think I am just some drama queen desperate for attention. Am I just the, "girl who cried wolf" to people? I decided that I wasn't going to depend on other people. Here is what I have been doing to better my life, my progress, and increase my self care.

  • I started a women's program. It's a partial hospitalization program that runs M-F from 10-3:15, but they approved me to go part time. I attend Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday from 11-2:15. The groups I go to are; Monday: Weekend Process, DBT, Art Therapy. Tuesday: DBT, Relationships, Creative Writing. Thursday: DBT, CBT & Healthy Thinking, Healing & Recovery. I am super excited about all the extra DBT.
  • DBT group on Wednesdays.
  • Individual therapy.
  • I joined a Unitarian Universalist church. It's an amazing community of people that is accepting of all religions and schools of thought. I identify as Pandeist Pagan, and worship nature. My time in nature is sacred and I do it alone. However, I wanted to find a place where I could also be around other spiritual people, but didn't like the idea of having to subscribe to the same ideals as everyone else. UU church is perfect for me. During the summer they do chalice circles, deep listening and discussion on various topics. I haven't been able to make one yet, but the first one I do will be on mental health!
  • Coloring group.
  • I started a free yoga class on the Common that runs until Sept, 1st.
  • I bought a notebook for program, but also use it to write down my thoughts. I often feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about what's going on in my head. People either don't know what to say or they say something that makes me feel defensive. It's good to get back to writing again.
  • I'm moving this weekend. I hate that I am moving again, but fuck it, this place is extremely unsafe. I met my new roommate through Queer Exchange Boston, so I know she is similar to me.
One thought pattern that I have been struggling with, and I brought it up with my therapist, is self victim blaming. This is the third roommate that I have been abused by. Two of them were friends. I keep thinking of the saying, "if you keep having issues with people, maybe the problem isn't them; maybe its you." It's hard not to get into the mind set that I bring this upon myself, that no one else has multiple abusers. Because I don't, and I'm not alone. No one deserves this. I know people with mental illness are more likely to be abused because we are more vulnerable. This is not my fault.

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