Thursday, April 21, 2016

Let's Have A Talk

It's time to have a talk about SG. I'm hanging out with him this weekend, so I figure it's a good time to be honest about where I'm at with my feelings. First, let's do a quick recap.

January, 2014-October, 2014: We dated.
October, 2014-December, 2014: We were intimate friends.
December, 2014 (end of)-March, 2015: Ghosted me, spoke to me once in March.
March, 2015-June/July, 2015: Ghosted me.
July, 2015-Aug, 2015: Back to having contact. We also hung out a few times and were intimate with each other.
September, 2015: Ghosted me on and off. Some contact.
October, 2015-December, 2015: Ghosted me (except my birthday)
January, 2016-March, 2016: Ghosted me
March 2016: Contact again, intimate again.

Let's talk abut SG a bit. He's a recovering alcoholic who has never been serious about his sobriety. He doesn't drink, but uses other substances, and as he will admit that's not technically being sober. He's what one would call a dry drunk. He isolates, avoids things, has extreme anxiety, and has not dealt with his depression in a healthy way.

That being said, I love him and I have always loved him. I've gotten a lot better at dealing with his ghosting, as I understand why he does it and more important I understand that I have not done anything wrong. However, even in those times, I still love him; the feeling are just laying dormant because he's out of sight and out of mind. As soon as I see him again, they come rushing back. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around waiting for him. I've tried dating other people, nothing has clicked yet, but I am not so delusional that I've sworn off seeing anyone else.

At the same time it's really hard to be around him and not feel like he's the only person I want to be with. Yes, he's hurt me a lot. Yes, he's broken my trust a lot. But it's not from a place of malice, it's from the place of a deeply troubled person and he knows that. When I'm with him I am comfortable, he makes me feel happy, and I can't see myself with anyone else.  He won't though, at least not now, and it has nothing to do with me. I commend him for knowing that he is in no position to be in a relationship with someone, but it's so hard when we are together. It's not just that we have sex. It's the way he he holds me, how he calls me baby, and he tells me he loves me. He loves me as more than a friend, but not in a purely romantic sense.

I knew I had to make a choice. Either be around him and deal with knowing that for now we aren't going to be anything long term, or cut him out of my life. For me the latter is much worse. I see him trying to get better, and I see him trying to improve. We've been through a lot together, and recently he's been trying to get serious about bettering himself and realizing that he needs to stop avoiding things. I've never judged him. He's been in a lot of physical pain and it's caused him to be really depressed recently, but he's been doing a lot of good things.  I haven't really been talking about him a lot because there are people who judge him, and honestly it upsets me. Walk a mile......

For now I am just trying to enjoy his company.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

It's Not Always Rational.

I want to talk about things that make me frustrated. Some of these things things often defy logical thinking, this post isn't about that. That's the good thing about this being my blog, when I am feeling frustrated I get to blow off steam, even if that steam is irrational and illogical.

  • Being Accused of Lying: I can't explain how furious it makes me when I am telling someone the stone cold truth, and they either imply or flat out accuse me of lying. Especially when it's over petty things. I get even more frustrated when the accuser is the other person I had conversation with, and suddenly does not recall our conversation at all. 
  • Not Being Understood: I have a much easier time conveying myself through writing. I will get frustrated when I feel I'm not getting my point across or someone will misconstrue something that makes perfect sense in my head. The real frustration comes when what I am saying is taken as negative and I'm not intending it to be that way at all. I just have trouble verbally expressing myself.
  • Feeling Like People Aren't Listening: This one is complicated, because I know I am partly being irrational. Some of this stems from feeling like everyone should follow what I post online. I post so much, how could someone not know what's going on with me? I hate feeling like I need to repeat myself over and over. This also ties into the second one, not feeling like I am conveying myself. For example I recently found out my DBT group which ended because the facilitator couldn't continue and had no one to take over is now back on because they found someone. When I told a friend he was carrying on thinking I was talking about the peer run group I got kicked out of. It made me frustrated and want to say, "does anyone listen to anything I say?"