Wednesday, March 9, 2016

March On-Day 8

My roommate is a Psychopath. I'm not using that in some mental ableist way, he literally is a Psychopath. As in the DSM definition of one. Oh, excuse me, Antisocial Personality Disorder. You can probably guess that a Psychopath is close to a Borderline's polar opposite; yet for some reason I (and maybe other Borderlines) seem to be attracted to them.

Yesterday I learned that said roommate's dog was dying. I'm currently going through the same thing, so of course I empathized with him. We chatted in his room for a bit, and I offered my condolences and asked if there was anything I could do to make things easier for him (help with chores, feed his car) while he goes through this and visits his dog (she lives with his ex). The next morning while getting ready for work he still seemed distraught. It's very unlike him to display any sort of emotions, especially for an extended period of time. Being the caring and compassionate person I am I inquired how his dog was and how he was doing.

His response was that he, "needed to hurt somebody" and that he all he needed was for someone to piss him off in traffic so he could "pull them out of their car and smash their head against the pavement." Now, I know people say things when they are angry or upset, but the fact he's a Psychopath feeling emotions (and he even said, "this is what happens when a Psychopath feels emotions") mixed with the tone in his voice told me he might actually do something like that.

 I've been abused various times by various people. I've been lucky that I have not been beat on, but I have endured physical assault. I've had repeated verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. My safety is extremely important to me, so when I hear stuff like that I immediately feel threatened; especially because I am the prey and not a predator. While on my way to work I texted him and asked if I should be concerned for my safety. He replied with,

"My advice? Quit getting in my face about it."

I explained that I was merely trying to offer compassion since I was going through the same thing. I told him that I should not have to feel unsafe in my home and that it scared me when he said stuff like that.

"Maybe you should move out," he replied.

I wanted to flip out. Wanted to. I told myself, no. This is his disorder. He doesn't mean this. He's sick, just like me. Only his sickness affects him differently. It hurts, it's hurtful; but I did what was right. I stood up for myself.

I went to trivia after work. It was Corey's 3 year anniversary and they were doing a Quiz for a Cause. Green Lantern stopped by so he could help me with horse stuff. We had a really great conversation and at one point he commented that I've been "Castle Island girl" all night. Back when I first met him he took me to a place near where I live called Castle Island and since he had not yet gotten to really know me, he didn't really know the BPD piece. This past December I was going through a really bad depression and struggling a lot. We stopped talking for a month, and things were rough in general.

He asked, "What happened to the girl from Castle Island?"
"She's really sad," I replied.

The fact that not only did he make that comment, but he remembered what he said back in December, and he told me I've improved leaps and bounds in just a short time made me so overwhelmingly happy.


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