Sunday, March 20, 2016

March On-Day 18

I continue to go through on and off depression. It seems to subside when I'm keeping busy, and hit hard when I'm alone with my thoughts. What thoughts? I wish I could tell you, but there's so many of them they all seem to blend together. I could probably make a giant list of all the things that are currently causing me anxiety and worry, and they would all be little things; but my brain gets so overwhelmed that I can't help ruminating until I'm just left laying in bed and staring off into space.

I thought the Dropkick Murphys concert would help lift my spirits that night. This was my 10th year seeing them on St. Patrick's Day and the band's 20th anniversary. I even had a VIP pass for backstage! However, the show was only a little help and that's a major red flag of depression. I love the Murphys. This band has been my heart for 10 years and their founder/bassist/vocalist, Ken Casey has been my hero and inspiration for so long (and he's my #1 music crush). Usually I'm flying off the walls excited for the show. I go all out; get dressed up, get there super early, get right up front. This time was different. I was excited, sure, but I didn't really rush to get there and I wore jeans and a T-shirt (with no makeup). I didn't even bother with the opening bands and instead hangout with a friend who happen to be nearby. I ended up missing the bands epic opening, and was a bit bummed about that, but again couldn't bring myself to truly care.

The show itself was great and during it the depression went away. After the show I hung out in the VIP room and got to talk to Ken, which is always nice. He's really one of the sweetest men on the planet. Everything was great then immediately after the anxiety set it. Did I say something stupid? Why did I cut my hair? Why didn't I wear makeup? I looked so ugly and dull compared to all the other girls. Why am I so awkward?

Comes and goes.....


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