Thursday, March 17, 2016

March On-Day 17

I have some down time at work (testing days, yay) so I can go more in depth into why I've been in a bit of a down swing lately (and why it's also showing me exactly how far I've come). This time of year is always difficult for me. As I've mentioned I consider it a turning point, but it was also a really traumatic time for me. Going through what I did and not knowing the cause of it was incredibly scary. If I disassociate now I am able to come out of it saying, "okay I was experiencing disassociation. That was my Borderline." I didn't have that, I wasn't diagnosed. Hell, I didn't even know I had attachment issues! I'm always a bit more vulnerable this time of year.

I've said a million times on this blog that a common trait of BPD is all or nothing thinking. Grey area? Nope, forget it. Things for us are either great or terrible. So, if one thing goes wrong then everything is wrong; and usually it's because we end up self sabotaging. For example, that day in 2008. I broke up with my boyfriend, true, but I didn't have to also quit my job. I didn't have to sabotage my friendships. I did though, because I couldn't see the grey. In other words, if things are not perfect, then life is a disaster and I'm a failure.

It started with learning I had to move out of my current place. Great, another move. How embarrassing. Next it was getting kicked out of my mental illness support group. I liked that group, and losing a support system is never good. This was followed by learning my DBT group was ending sooner than expected (and I hadn't even been to a session yet!) Finally, I was struggling with internal dialog over the end of a sexual relationship.

Time to self sabotage? Not so fast. Do I really want to live in a place where people have no respect for a person's privacy (outing my mental illness)? Yeah, it sucks, but I know why it sucks. I got kicked out of group because of a manipulative and toxic woman. So far people have been extremely supportive of me, and they know every part of the story (if you haven't read it check out day 15). DBT group was obviously out of my control, but not only that; I don't really need it. The main reason I wanted to be in one was because I've never completed a consistent DBT program. However, I've been through all the modules (more than once), I know the material, and I practice the skills. Finally, a therapist once told me "thoughts are just thoughts, it's what you do with them that matters." For me to deal with this type of "end" and (to be blunt) not have a complete melt down that ends in either self-harm, begging, or manipulation is pretty impressive.

Aside from this my job is going well, I have a new place to live (close to work), plans for my future (going for my teaching license), I'm making new possible discoveries about my mental health, I have a great 1:1 DBT therapist, I'm on meds that are helpful, and my outbursts/disassociation has been minimal.

I've was depressed today. I was told I was told I was irritating, not the first time. Why do people pretend? I did manage to fine tune a diary card I like and tailor it to me. Work was probably the best part of the day.

4/10 distracted, sad, anxiety over leaving phone at home. Really bummed regarding conversation with roommate.

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