Monday, March 14, 2016

March On-Day 14

I had a therapy appointment today.  It turns out I may have four disorders in addition to BPD. Okay, technically three as one isn't a mental disorder. The list is as follows.
  • ADHD Combination Inattentive/Hyperactive: My therapist actually did the most accurate assessment with me without doing the full psychological testing. You have to score a 6 within each category. I scored a 10 for inattentive and a 9 for hyperactive. The thing is, I have been diagnosed before with ADHD (in middle school), but some therapist at one point told me I didn't really have it because some of the ADHD symptoms overlap with Borderline.
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder: This was one that I've always suspected I had, and have even tossed around before. However, once again is has always been assumed that the anxiety was just part of the Borderline. While anxiety is very much party of BPD; the criteria reads as follows, "anxiety usually lasting a fee hours and only rarely more than a few days." My anxiety is almost always constant. In fact, I apparently fit the criteria. What I explained to my therapist, and she agreed, was that I think the difference is with BPD anxiety it depends on the type of mind I'm in. I'm more likely to be anxious when I'm in emotion mind. But that's not the case, I tend to feel anxious even at baseline. She of course wants to explore it more, but this one seems likely.
  • Asperger's: I've talked about this before. My psychiatrist is trying to find where I can go for testing. The reason this is still an option is because my social problems, sensory issues, fidgets, need for a rigid schedule, hatred of change, and a few other things mostly don't have anything to do with the other stuff and are core traits of high functioning autism.
  • Central Auditory Processing Disorder: Something that came up was my auditory processing problems. I have a hard time following any sort of verbal directions or instructions. If you read a about it here (and yes, adults can be diagnosed as it's a fairly new discovery), I pretty much fit most of the criteria. Apparently this isn't a mental disorder, but a hearing impairment. I think? An Audiologist has to diagnose it.
I'm interested to see what develops with all of this.

Okay now onto the second part of this. I made this a Facebook post, but for those who missed it. 

The people who think it's easy to get over something mentally traumatic are the people who don't understand how powerful the mind is, and what it's like to battle it every day as someone who's mentally ill. I don't like these next two days. No, Beth doesn't like them. At all. Try as she might, it's impossible for her not to feel sadness and pain over the memories they bring.
March 14-15, 2008 I experienced my first major mental breakdown (yeah a two day break down) and real dissociative episode (Strangely not even my two suicide attempts in 2004 and 2006 came with break downs this bad). The only breakdown I would put close to being as bad as this is the one I had in the hospital in 2015, but that was for different reasons. No, this was worse. Because 2015 was isolated. 2008 didn't stop after my breakdown. In the months that followed I would continue to self sabotage and lose my job, my living situation, close friends, and who remembers what else.

The piece that made it worst of all? I didn't know what was happening. I hadn't been diagnosed yet. I didn't know I had Borderline. At that point I'm pretty sure I thought I was type II bipolar. Oh, and if you're wondering what triggered the breakdown; do you really need to ask? Yeah, it was about a boy.
I look at today as a turning point. I believe it was my friend, Tiffany, that first suggested the possibility of BPD. I don't remember how long after, but I do remember this was the incident that got me into the therapy that eventually lead to my official BPD diagnoses. 
I can look at the next two days and see positive, but Beth can't. Beth is struggling. So I apologize if I seem off the next couple days. Beth needs me. I need me.

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