Friday, March 11, 2016

March On-Day 11

I knew I was going to be more vulnerable in March, I always am, so I am not being too hard on myself.
  • I had my first dissociative state in three months yesterday.
  • I had my first explosive outburst in three months yesterday.
  • I've dealt with suicidal ideation for the first time in months.
  • I'm stressed about finding a place (which I haven't yet).
  • I was told I had to stop having sex with my roommate this week in not the way he promised we would end it.
  • I just found out today my DBT group isn't going to be continuing past the beginning of April because the person who runs the group is leaving, and they can't find someone to take over.

How am I handling this?
  • I know the first two were triggered by that appalling woman from group. I also know plenty of people in the group validate me and I do get a lot out of it (hello, ignoring all or nothing thinking).
  • Thoughts are just thoughts. I haven't acted, and last night I even asked a member of group to hold my keys cause they were sharp; and I talked to a friend.
  • I'm not giving up. I'm actually looking at a place tomorrow. I also know worst case scenario I can't be physically removed, just evicted.
  • That's his disorder, and I can't fault him for that. I have not flipped out about it, and handled very maturely and calmly. This is the pinnacle of Borderline progress.
  • I'm still going to go, and get what I can out of it. At this point, thought, I more need individual therapy. I mainly wanted to be in group DBT so I could complete a group. I've been through all the modules though, I know the skills, I practice them. So in a way I have completed it. Just unconventionally
I'm also focusing on the fact I just applied to the teacher prep program and either way will be going for my license; I'm going to DKM in a week, I just booked my trip to Jamaica, I got sox tickets for Star Wars night in May, I talked to MB for the first time since December this week, and aside from the one outburst I talked about I've been able to control my mood.
I've not allowed myself or everything to fall apart.
Talked with my Roommate and he told me he was proud at how I handled us ending our sexcapades. He said it wasn't because he started dating someone (because he's still "matching" with other girls), but because it was a bad idea in the first place and it's pissing everyone off. The only reason I didn't argue the second point (because I don't give a fuck if my sex life pisses you off) is because he does have to continue to live here after I'm gone.

Visited my sister. Hung out with a friend for a bit. He's actually an ex from 5 or 6 years ago that I ran into while room searching (he had an ad on Craig's List). I was feeling really irritated, and got frustrated with him. All in all, I feel like I'm handling things well considering the month.

6.5/10-Feeling a bit frustrated, stressed, and sad.

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