Saturday, February 20, 2016

It's Not Always Roses and Rainbows

I've had a few things I've been struggling with lately, but all things considered I've been doing a pretty good job of handling it. Nevertheless, dealing with so many things at once has left me feeling drained and a bit overwhelmed. Here's what's going on broken down by bullet points (as I'm so known for doing).

  • A couple of weeks ago during group I kept overhearing a fellow member bad mouthing other members of the group. This person is not only a member, but a facilitator which means she is supposed to be a group leader. The group is supposed to be a safe space, and I felt very uncomfortable with what she was doing. I pulled her aside after the group and told her what she was doing was making me feel unsafe and asked if she could please not do it in front of me. She responded by saying, "well sometimes people don't get what they want. Have you ever heard of that expression?" The following week she decided to bring the incident up indirectly and saying I was aggressive and acting like a child (she didn't say my name, but it was obvious what and who she was talking about). I had already brought up the incident to the head of the group, but I'm just appalled that someone like that is allowed to facilitate a group.
  • Any time I do something that I've been looking forward to I am always over come with a sadness when it ends. Not just a, "aww that sucks it's over" sadness, but days of despair. This certainly was the case after seeing Hamilton this past Tuesday. Only, the despair didn't come until a couple days later, and it wasn't over the show being over, but rather what I didn't get. I was really looking forward to meeting certain members of the cast. I had been told by a few people that all the cast members came out, so when that didn't happen I was overcome with a great disappointment (and I even went back the next day after the Wednesday matinee to try). So, of course splitting happened and my brain wanted to tell me that because of that the whole trip was ruined. All or nothing. I wasn't going to let it, I wasn't going to let the fact I didn't get to meet people ruin seeing this amazing show, and everything would be fine if not for one thought. My friend is seeing the show in April, and there is a chance he'll get to meet them. How will I react? I had to ask him to block me from photos and statuses because I know I'll be jealous and not react well, and he doesn't deserve that.
  • Right now there is only one person in my house who likes me. The problem with most of my roommates is that know one wants to talk; everyone would rather be passive aggressive and then act like there is nothing wrong with their behavior. A few weeks ago I was in a really good mood and doing some cleaning. This was after being in a depression for a while, so I was thrilled to finally be out of it. I was apparently being a bit too loud, and bothering my roommate R. Instead of politely asking me to turn it down a bit, she screamed at me and slammed the door. I get triggered badly when yelled at and she sort of jolted me out of my good mood and caused me to disassociate. I had a really bad anger outburst and ended up calling her a cunt and throwing things. Obviously once I calmed down I felt really bad, and went upstair to talk to her. At first she didn't want to talk to me, but we ended up having a conversation and seemed to work things out.  My roommate, M, has had an issue with me since I moved in and has continued to be passive aggressive towards me. One of the things R and I discussed was being courteous to other people living in the house. One day M was in the kitchen playing her music a bit loudly and I asked her nicely to turn it down. This lead to us having a long talk that wasn't really a talk, but rather her talking at me then interrupting me when I tried to talk. She told me that she'd be considerate to me when I was considerate to her, yet refused to talk to me about anything that was bothering her. Okay? How am I supposed to know? For example, I have a heavy walk and apparently I'm the only person she can hear coming home; which is ridiculous because I hear everyone when they come in. Another example is she told me stop using her tupperware and said, "you think everything is yours." This was tupperware that was in our tupperware draw that she had seen me using multiple times before and had not ever said one word. Okaaaay, so how am I suppose to know? A and I had always gotten along and he informed me that he was staying out of any arguments; okay, cool. Something that had been bugging me was that people kept leaving lights on, particularly A. I asked him to please remember to shut the bathroom light on. I noticed shortly after he started to be a bit standoffish with me and I assumed he didn't like that I was asking him to do things. I figured maybe he had a superiority complex? He's lived here the longest, however no one is on a lease and we all pay the same amount of rent ad utilities. So, in my eyes we are all equals.  The other day we were both in the kitchen and I was attempting to engage in friendly conversation and he was being short and cold towards me. Finally I asked if something was wrong because he seemed to be in a bad mood and he said, "maybe you shouldn't have called my best friend a cunt." Really? He was holding a grudge over something he said he was staying out of? He then accused me of lying by omission to move in and said I didn't tell him I had BPD. That made me furious. I am under no obligation to disclose my private medical information to anyone. To top it off when I attempted to discuss things with him he said in a childish manner, "are you still talking?" He then told me I moved in illegally by not being on a lease, not putting money down, and living in the closet. I honestly felt like I had entered a twilight zone. First, no one here is on a lease. Second, I moved into the closet because A himself asked me to, and third I put down $500 when moving in. I'm sick of the whole moving in situation getting thrown back in my face over and over again. A screwed up and didn't communicate so he is now denying things. The agreement was I move in and pay $500 for November and December then start paying rent and utilities in January. When people complained suddenly it changed to him saying he said 1/5 of the utilities. I know for a fact that's not true. Why? Well, first when we met I vividly remember him saying the total for move in was $1100 and me getting confused and not realizing he meant the $500 plus $600 for Jan rent. Second, if he said 1/5 utilities I would have spent so much time figuring that math out to the penny and that's something I would have remember doing and I would have a record of, and I have neither. I have been nothing but nice to people in this house. I clean (mop, sweep, doing way more loads of dishes than I use, clear the toilet and bathroom), fixed the fire place, got light bulbs and am going to be changing the burnt out bulbs, got the landlord to fix the broken lock on the back door, buy stuff for the house, organize people's mail, and take out people's trash. I am not a perfect person, but I cannot imagine going through life holding a grudge and not trying to talk things out like an adult. I saw R this morning and gave a friendly hello. Know what I got? A dirty look. What? I thought we resolved things. But I'm sure she will not confront me like an adult and talk to me. Because it seems like no one knows how to talk these days. That's sad to me, it's sad that everyone has a problem with me yet I am the only one willing to be blunt and confront people and talk and not act passive aggressive and play guessing games. How does someone go through life like that? Am I doing it wrong? Is there some unspoken roommate rule that you're not suppose to talk about issues? You're suppose to just ignore them or magically know why people are upset? We are all adults here, sit down and have a discussion. It's petty to  hold a grudge and act passive aggressive. Especially over something someone said out of anger.
  • My friend got fired and I think I'm more angry about it than he is. It also means change, and I don't always like change.
As frustrating as all of this stuff as been, I think I've been handling it pretty well. I stood up for myself, recognized when my brain was splitting, chose not to react in a hostile manner, planned ahead (asking my friend to block me from the posts),  and continued to use my DBT skills. Given how I could have and would have react in the past, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

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