Friday, February 26, 2016

Beating My Kryptonite.

The past couple of months have been going really well for me. I've been pretty stable and have been lucky to finally have consistent therapy and support). On top of this I've been using my skills consistently, avoiding melt downs online, getting into wise mind faster, and managing my emotions more effectively. However, progress does not come without struggles and with Borderline there are bound to be struggles. I've talked before about how relationships (not necessarily just romantic ones)  are my biggest vulnerability, and that has been abundantly clear recently.

I tend to get attached to people easily and that attachment becomes stronger if I have a sexual relationship with them. Because I get so attached I because dependent and have a hard time doing things independently of them. Especially if it's something we were supposed to do together, but they had to cancel. When I was with Daniel there were times we had made plans to go out dancing, but he would cancel last minutes and while I was perfectly capable to going dancing on my own I wouldn't because I'd be so upset over him not going.

Yesterday I went to quiz. I had been planning to go to quiz for a while (I had not been in a couple of weeks). I decided the day of that I wanted my roommate (whom I have a sexual relationship with) to come with me. I texted him and eagerly awaited his reply, and the more I waited, the more excited and hopeful I got about him coming. When he came home, I went up to his room and asked if he had gotten my texts. He said yes, but that he had a rough day and didn't want to go out anywhere. Immediately I start pleading and whining and getting really upset. This wasn't fair! He told me he'd go with me sometime! Not my night was ruined! See, that's what happens. It didn't matter that I was already planning on going long before I decided to ask him to go. I went to my room and broke down crying. Now I was angry at myself. I felt ashamed, guilty, and regretful. I managed to get into wise mind, and was able to go back to my roommate and apologize as well as explain my behavior to him. I still went to trivia and had a good time. In the past I would have split on him and not gone out.

During trivia Green Lantern came buy and hung out with me. It was the third time he saw me this week, and while we didn't plan on that, he pointed out in conversation that seeing me three times was a bit much (he's not someone who likes to see one person consistently). He also said he was exceedingly enjoying my company. Still, I felt that twinge of regret. Even though I knew it wasn't my fault that we happen to run into each other multiple times. I was mostly upset because I've been trying hard to not be up his ass all the time.

After trivia Green Lantern, The QM (who I happen to have a huge crush on), and I were waiting for the train. Green Lantern asked The QM about his sexual escapades at a recent trip, and I instantly felt envious.

I haven't spoken to Daniel since the end of December. We agreed to talk again in March, but I tried calling him a few days prior. Her didn't respond and I couldn't help but feeling a bit disappointed.

1-5 years ago all of this would have had me self harming, freaking out on Facebook, having melt downs, splitting, and completely falling apart. I am insanely proud of how I've handled all of this. Especially because all of it happened within the same day. I struggled and the BPD hit hard, but I was able to use my skills, get myself into wise mind, and get through it.

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