I woke up feeling a bit "off", and it took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts. As I've been talking about this week, I was nervous about the Packers/Washington game. For more on this check out this post.
Mindfulness/Other DBT Skills
- Worried a bit later in the day. I had made the decision earlier in the week to tell my FP about splitting and how it's possible I may split on him barring the outcome of the game. I was expecting him to say something about it, ask me question, or acknowledge it; something to validate that I had made the right choice. While this could be seen as being self-aware and coping ahead to me and a therapist; to someone who does not understand BPD it may seem like I am using my disorder as an excuse or saying that it's going to happen and I'm not going to do anything to stop it. I also run the risk of him getting scared off because no matter how calmly you frame it, telling someone you might lash out at them has the potential to come off sounding creepy and crazy. So, if I don't explain my disorder and it affect me; it's a problem. If I do explain it; it's a problem. See what I mean? My FP is someone who doesn't really like messenger, and I know this. However, when in emotion mind I tend to forget rational facts (if I remembered, I wouldn't be in emotion mind). My FP hadn't been replying much, and I started to panic that maybe being upfront wasn't the best idea. I started to worry that I should have kept my self awareness to myself. But what if I wasn't and I ended up splitting on him? Then he would have been mad that I "wasn't more aware," Or was I just making this all up in my head? Was I creating a scenario that wasn't there? Probably, and the more I tried to make sense of it the more paranoid I got. I did my best to stay in wise mind. Maybe he wasn't replying, but not because he was mad; because he had nothing to say. Maybe he recognized my being self-aware, saw how difficult it is to explain the nasty side effects of mental illness and silently appreciated from afar. Maybe he simply had nothing to say about it, and just absorb it all. Maybe if it had happened he wouldn't have replied, but he'd have what I told him and know where my anger was coming from. Maybe he didn't need to respond, because anything he could said, I already knew. This is tough for someone like BPD. But for now I am going to tell myself that everything is okay. We are friends, and that isn't going to change until I hear otherwise. More importantly, I cannot let his real or perceived mood affect mine.
- I'm really glad I got out and did stuff this weekend, but it reminded me of how introverted I am. They say that introverts gain energy from being alone, and it's true. The longer I was out and around people the more I could feel my "battery" draining.