Thursday, January 7, 2016

January of Me-Day 5


Starting Thoughts
I woke up looking forward to the day as I had plans for later that evening and a pretty easy day at work. For the first time in a while, I did not wake up with thoughts of death. I took one of my migraine meds because I started to feel one coming on. Unfortunately they make me a bit drowsy. I hoped that as the day went on the feeling would ware off. 

Progress

  • No thoughts of death when waking up.
  • Had a Doctor's appointment. Got an HIV test and a Tetanus shot. I'm a little annoyed because I definitely got an HIV test when I went to Planed Parenthood.
  • Followed up with interview about second phone interview we talked about. She's looking into times, but I haven't heard anything back. Patience.
Mindfulness/Other DBT Skills
  • Morning yoga. I was able to connect with my breath more easily and less anxiously.
  • I got irritated when I was at the Doctor's office. Usually it would ruin my mood for the rest of the day, but I managed to rein it in and keep myself in a good mood.
  • One of the ways BPD differs from BP is the frequency and cause of mood swings. Bipolar mood swings are chemical and caused by an imbalance in the brain. More so, they are do not change as frequently are BPD mood swings. Even ultra-ultra rapid cycling (UURC) or ultradian cycling has to last at least 24-48 hours. Bipolar mood swings are also pretty steady. Up and stays up, comes back down for a while. BPD mood swings, on the other hand can change multiple times within a day, sometimes hour (or less!), and are triggered by something. Often the person with BPD doesn't know and it may seem like nothing, but the deeper they dig the more likely they can figure it out. Everyone has a base line and when something upsets or angers them there is a certain amount of time it takes them to get back to their base line. For Borderlines, it not only takes us longer (because the process is slower), but if something disrupts it then we shoot back up on the emotion scale. So if you were to picture it drawn out where you started at base line a BPD day for mood would look like this: ^v^v^^VV^^ whereas a bipolar one would look more like solid lines. But, I digress. I told you that to tell you this; three times today my base line got thrown off and three times I was able to not only bring it back down, but also regain/maintain the good mood I had had all day. This is remarkable given the fact that the more negative stuff happens, the more we get pushed from baseline and the harder it is to come back down. Two of the three events included FP's.
  1. I went to the Doctor's today and they had me do tests that I had already gotten done elsewhere, but paperwork got messed up. For some reason I was really irrationally angry about this, even though it wasn't a big deal. It was tetanus and HIV. I started to escalate, punched the wall (I promise I couldn't do damage if I tried), but then took a breath and calmed down. I wasn't going to let it ruin my plans I had for the night.
  2. I go to a trivia night and I'm friends with the QM. Our football teams happen to be playing each other in the first round of the play offs. For many reasons I try my best not to trash talk A. In a mean way and B. Because I'm wicked superstitious. I thought it would be funny to make my team something to do with the game and have a little fun. I was kinda paranoid about using it (because I normally don't come off that way), but it wasn't mean spirited). After I turned in a round he made a comment saying, "you trash talk like I actually care" (I forget the exact phrase), referencing the fact that his team has been terrible for the past 25 years so he's emotionally checked out. I immediately started cursing myself for using the team name and was about to basically throw a tantrum; storm out, ask to have my team name changed. Instead, I stepped out side and took a few breaths. When I came back in I was still upset, but I recognized I was in emotion mind and did my best to at least bring in reasonable mind. I did write the QM a note on one of the round sheets apologizing (he's an FP so naturally my instinct is to worry about upsetting him). He looked up and was like, "settle down," but said it in a "you're okay, just breathe." kind of way. I took more breaths, and got into wise mind and a good mood. Yes, I didn't have to write the note. However considering; It wasn't bad, I didn't cry, I didn't act like a brat, I didn't storm out, I didn't passively aggressively change my team name, and I didn't dwell, I'd say I did pretty good.
  3. This one was hard because it included an FP and threw me off guard. Okay back story; stuff happened between me and one of my FP's. He blocked me on messenger, and then I decided I need a "hiatus" from him and blocked him on FB (there's a lot of detail in this back story). My goal was to give a month away from him. He's a nice friend and I certainly don't want to kick him out of my life. He's done nothing to warrant that. But things were getting tense and the healthy thing for me to do was cut him out for a little bit. Well, he ended up stopping by the place I go to quiz (he's also a QM). Immediately I got upset. No! I'm not ready to see him. I have to go 30 days! That's the goal. Because part of the problem he has with me is the amount I contact him. So I want to work on not messaging him for a while, while focusing on myself, so when I do bring him back in my life I will be able to use my skills to stop myself from being too intense. Anyway, while I was thrown off a bit here's what I didn't do: abandon my friends to go talk to him, become needy and clingy, cry, yell at him, etc. He left with my other friend and normally I wouldn't have chased after or asked desperate questions. But I stood strong, and did what was healthy for me.
Highlights
  • My classes had a field trip today where we went and saw a performance at a local community college. It was all about the history and meaning behind Kwanzaa. The show itself wrapped up in December, but they did a private showing just for our school. 
  • Went to quiz at Blackstone. Even more important I went with two regular quizzers I've seen around, but have never quizzed with and an old friend. Socializing with new people and hanging with different friends.
  • Got invited to another writing group Saturday evening  (not sure I can make it).
End Thoughts
Really proud of how well I handled things today, especially with my FP's. I had a few struggles, but I noticed how well and quickly I used my skills. The fact I was able to use wise mind in several situations, some including FP's; is really good progress. Went to bed later than I wanted to, but that's my fault for not going to bed right away when I got home (and I got home earlier than expected since my friend gave me a ride).

No comments:

Post a Comment