Tuesday, January 5, 2016

January of Me-Day 3

Starting Thoughts
My thoughts on death seem to change depending on what mood I am in and what I am doing at that moment. Sometimes I will think about how peaceful and beautiful it might be and how I will be with my friends and family that have passed on. Then I start picturing death in the future, but as I am now. Leaving everyone behind, missing out, never doing things again. These are extremely complicated thoughts, and I'm sort of making sense of them. Mostly I find them overwhelming.

  • Had an interview today. It was at a place I had interviewed at before, but for a different position. I feel pretty good about this. The person who interviewed me obviously liked me enough the first time to have me come in again, and she knows I wanted to work there (they ended up going with someone else for the other position cause they were a better fit). So it's not like I refused the position and now I'm back for a different one. She also told me the principle trusts her judgement, ::fingers crossed:. I'm supposed to do a phone interview with the classroom teacher soon.
Mindfulness/Other DBT Skills
  • Morning yoga. I've been trying out different videos to keep it fresh. Sometimes intrusive thoughts will enter my head, and I will struggle a bit. For example, when connecting with my breath I started thinking about death and how I'd never breath or be able to do yoga again. Then I started thinking about how things would be very different by the time I died. 
  • Finally got to do a hoop workout again!! Love the exercise and how centering it can be.
  • Mixed cut up Avocado with bacon and a bit of salt for breakfast and lunch.
  • Stopped by Magic Dragon Comics to visit my friend Glenn.
  • Hung out at Starbucks for a bit while I waited for a bus and got their new Latte Machiatto.
  • Made coffee plans with a friend.
  • Recruited people to play trivia this week.
  • Had a one on one chat with a student about using the R word and I think I connected and helped him understand why he shouldn't.
End Thoughts
What can be really frustrating is being able to analyze and understand my thoughts intellectually, but struggling to control them emotionally; or still feeling affected by them. I had thoughts of death today, but they passed quickly (I've been working on dealing with intrusive thoughts). It's just that when they come, the despair comes really quickly and is almost unbearable. I've been practicing my skills. The challenge will be when I'm in crisis or when I intergrade certain people into my life.

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