Sunday, January 31, 2016

January of Me-Day 25 (Final Day)



Starting Thoughts
Some worry thoughts upon waking up. I had texted the guy I am dating the night before and he never texted me back. It's no surprise that something like that I would struggle with as it's hitting upon my biggest vulnerabilities. Still, I managed to get through it, and not dwell. He texted me later and explained that his phone died.

Progress

  • Added more podcast episodes to Youtube.

Mindfulness/Other DBT Skills

  • Day 11 of 30 Days of Yoga Camp.
  • One of my mantras I try to live by is, "thoughts are just thoughts, it's what you do with them that matters." Today that mantra really came into perspective for me. My negative thinking can often cause paranoid thinking which in turn can cause negative action. I'll have bad thoughts and become convinced that other people can "read my mind," that I'll act on those thoughts as a way to defend against people "hurting me." Today while I was worrying about not being texted back and having vengeful thoughts about someone, I began to feel bad. Then I realized, they are just thoughts. They are in my had. No one can hear them but me. They be overwhelming, but so far I have not done anything to them. Of course having those thoughts trapped inside one's head can feel like being cemented to the bottom of a pool that slowly filling up with water.  Nonetheless, I kept reminding myself of my mantra, "thoughts are just thoughts, it's what you do with them that's important."
Highlights

  • Won a $25 Athena's gift card.
  • My friend Bobby came by to give me a backpack to use for NYC, and hung out for a bit.
  • Made a really yummy snack of cottage cheese, clementines, honey, and cinnamon.
End Thoughts
Since this is the last day of my, "January of Me," this will be a recap of the month. I took this month to get myself back on track, get my life in order, find balance, and create a base that will help me with long term progress. One of my biggest frustrations in life has been all the cycles I've been through. How things go really well for a while, then all go to shit. What I fail to look at is the bigger picture (which is interesting since I'm an N in the N/S preferences of the MB indicator, but that's based on how you take in information). I am not the same person I was when I was first diagnosed with BPD, not by a long shot. I may still struggle, I may have self-harmed and been in the hospital as recently as last year, I may have had trouble controlling my anger as recently as yesterday; but the frequency in which it happens, how I handle it, how quickly I return to wise mind, and how I take care of my self is less, better, faster, and kinder. Think about it, when someone has a physical illness any progress, even the tiniest, is celebration.With mental illness, it's different. If I go from having an anger out burst once a week to once a month, that's progress. If I take 2 days to get back into wise mind after that out burst and the next time 2 hours, that's progress. Some other points I have taken away from this month;

  • Yoga is tremendously helpful for me. I am a very kinetic person, and it's the best form of meditation for me. I've been doing it twice a day all month and I feel strong mentally, physically, and spiritually. I do it in the morning, and it really helps wake me up.  When I do it after work it's my quiet time for myself, and I really feel connected to my body, my breath, and the moment.
  • I am currently on meds, in a mental illness support group, starting individual DBT therapy, and on a wait list for a DBT group. This combine with yoga and my coloring group once a month is a tremendously helpful defense against this disorder and exactly what I need for the long term.
  • "Here I go, here I go, again girls what's my weakness? Men!" You laugh, but it's true. My vulnerability, my kryptonite, is men. I'm bisexual, but I just don't have the same attachment issues to women as I do to men. This is the area where my disorder comes out in full force, where the fears of abandonment, the frantic efforts, the splitting, the paranoia, the panic, and the worst parts show. This is where the cycle rotates towards disaster. I've already been struggling, but I'm armed with skills and fighting back. I'm remembering that my thoughts are just thoughts, and I'm doing my best to push through them.
  • When I started this journey I knew to be able to go through it I needed to give up some things, or rather people. Namely, Daniel and Will. They aren't people I want to give up forever, but I needed to for a bit, until I got myself back on track. I've spent the past 2 or so years waiting for Daniel, and he's just never going to be the person I want. I want him in my life and I want him as a friend, but I'm never going to move on from him if I'm still attached to him. I told him I'd contact him in March, and I'm hoping I'll be dating someone when I do.  Will was an FP and someone I got very attached to, that was never ever going to make me happy. As FPs go, I got attached and it got unhealthy and I knew the only way I was going to better myself was to step away. There is a lot of background that goes along with all of this, but you get the gist. Wednesday I might be going to trivia, and I'll be seeing Will for the first time in a month. I'm not sure if I'm ready. It's easy for me to feel confident when he's out of sight, out of mind but I'm so vulnerable and fragile when it comes to FPs and former FPs that I could easily turn to glass. I read a recent quiz blog he posted and felt a twinge of jealousy when he mentioned another girl. That's the vulnerability. That's what what this foundation needs to be strong enough to support. Because these aren't people who are bad, and I do want them in my life.
  • During this month I was able to get out and meet people, and become involved with different things. This was one of my goals going into this journey. Here's a recap of what I've done, and hope to continue to do (and have coming up).
  1. Boston Whovian meet ups, once a month (first one on 2/7).
  2. Sex Positive Boston meet ups, once a month (first one in February).
  3. Mindful Coloring and Conversation Gathering, once a month.
  4. Boston MTG and Boston Writer's Meetup. Both of these meet up Tuesday, and I thought I could switch between them when I am looking for something to do. My membership for the writing group (on meetup.com) is still pending, but I'm hoping I can check it out soon.
  • I was able to attend some cool events and check out new place like Arisia, Agnes of God, Museum of Bad Art, and Knight Moves Cafe. 
  • I have some pretty cool things coming up; NH trip (to re-buy my lost stones), Deadpool, Countway Library of Medicine, and of course NYC to see Hamilton and go to the Met!!!
  • I have two big projects I'm working on; moving all my podcast episodes to Youtube and my BPD book. I was also asked to be part of a photo documentary about mentally ill people.
I feel a lot more balanced after this month, a lot more present. We'll see what the next month brings.

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