Wednesday, January 27, 2016

January of Me-Day 21



Starting Thoughts
I woke up with some worry thoughts, but still pressed on with my usual morning routine.  I've been hooking up with my roommate, and though some people have warned me it's not a good idea; I went against their advice. The thing is, it's not that we're roommates. No, for me it's a much bigger picture. I recently mentioned on my Facebook that my biggest vulnerability is men. This is the most simplistic and blunt way for me to describe the part of my disorder that is most difficult for me to deal with. The first two criteria for BPD as described by the DSM are as follows;

(1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 


(2) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation 


When I was younger I was extremely close with my Dad. When my parents got divorced, my Dad moved out and I went from seeing him every day to seeing him once a week and every other weekend. On top of this he married a woman who was abusive towards me and his step family became more important than the daughters he shared blood with. If you're wondering, not he didn't do anything about the abuse. He basically emotionally neglected me. People with Borderline struggle with relationships, with attachment, and fears of abandonment. The closer we are to someone, the more that fear and attachment intensifies. So of course sex is a tricky thing for us because it's such an intimate factor. To put this into perspective, I've stayed in abusive relationships and relationships that were toxic because the idea of being alone was more unbearable than the idea of being abused. That's literally how my brain is wired to think. So when I say men are my biggest weakness it's because while I am bi I haven't had as much experience dating women and I haven't had the history of attachment with women as I do with men (or really, the "Daddy Issues).


I was talking to my Psychiatrist about how I am really proud of myself for all the work I've been doing. How I've been feeling less irritable, more level, less angry, and have been using my skills in the moment (I even used it in the middle of the night, which is rare). I was thinking that things were going pretty well. Then my roommate (the one I hook up with) said something that was a little jab at me and I said to myself, "aaaaaaand there it is."


It's like I've been running on flat land, but once I bring relationships back into the mix, that's when I get to the mountain. The plus is, I have tools and I'm working towards progress to help me.


Progress

  • Called around to the list of therapy places my psychiatrist had given me. I ended up finding a place that takes late appointments, doesn't require me to change my primary care, and has DBT therapists!!!) I made an appointment for next Wednesday. I'm elated right now!
  • Found a writing group that's a bit closer to me and a sister Magic group to the one I went to last night that's closer as well (both meet ups were a bit of a hike). Figuring out a good balance so I don't ware myself out.
  • Didn't get the job. I'm actually okay with it, albeit a little bit annoyed, but I've grown to like the position that I am in. I am just frustrated they let it drag out for two months just to hire someone internally.

Mindfulness/Other DBT Skills
  • Morning yoga.
  • Self-soothe: scent.
  • 30 Days of Yoga Camp, day 7.
Highlights

  • Roommate cooked dinner for me.
  • I found the cans of cat food I had dropped the other day. I was really proud of myself because I stayed calm about it and didn't freak out even though I had just bought them that day.
End Thoughts
Positive day. Things have been positive and I finally have a solid support system going. I'm still worried about the long term, but for now I'm going to appreciate the present.



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