Monday, January 25, 2016

January of Me-Day 19

Starting Thoughts
Woke up feeling a tad off, but nothing major. Mostly due to off center dreams (no night terrors).

  • Followed up with job. Jill wasn't in today, but will be speaking to the Principal tomorrow.
  • Got a bunch of stuff on my to do list done.
Mindfulness/Other DBT Skills
  • Morning yoga
  • Day 5 of 30 days of Yoga Camp.
  • I had bought some cat food the other day and at some point my double bag broke and I had to carry 20 cans of cat food in one flimsy bag. After a long journey home in not so great weather, my mind was only set on getting indoors. As I was walking through the wind and snow I felt something drop, and leaned over to pick up a can of cat food off the side walk. Last night upon feeding my cat I noticed I had a lot less cans than I should have, and realized I probably had dropped a lot more. In the past I would have started freaking out, but I remained calm and resolved to go back and look for them the next morning. Today I did just that, and when they weren't there I just let it be.
  • Lead teacher seemed to be in a bad mood again, but I used mindfulness to not let it affect me.
  • I'm just going to come out and say it. I hooked up with my roommate. I know this probably wasn't the best idea, but I also knew it was bound to happen; it was also something I needed. This is probably the area where I struggle the most, because of my attachment and dependency issues (most notably with men I am romantically or sexually involved with/attracted to). I tend to lose my independence and veer of the path of progress. It's honestly why I'm nervous to get into any type of relationship. I'm doing my best to build a strong enough foundation and make myself aware enough to be able to stay in wise mind and use mindfulness even in the moments when it's hardest. Every little bit is going to help. For example, I had a date and when I found myself having that tiny bit of worry that he hadn't texted me back in a while; I immediately recognized it and sprung into action. Because I knew if I didn't it could easily turn into panic. I'm also being consciously aware of how attached I become to my roommate. Relationships are definitely a huge challenge for me overall, and one I knew I'd have trouble with once I brought them back into my life, but I also can't spend my life avoiding them. I'm doing this whole January thing to prepare myself for the things that are harder for me. Maybe this time around it will stick, maybe not, the best I can do is try.
  • Had a small mishap with my bank that was a merchant issue. Stayed in wise mind, and was calm when I called whereas I would have been freaking out and screaming in the past (out of frustration for the same thing happening from my last bank).
  • Trying to drink more water during the day.
  • Stretching mid afternoon when I start to feel that lull in energy.
  • I went into emotion mind over something my roommate said, but was able to talk to him about how I was feeling (even though I struggled).
  • Hot cocoa with fluff and peppermint stick to self-soothe after.
  • A student was goofing off in class and the lead teacher sent him out of the room for a break. I took initiative and went out and actually talked to him. I don't believe it's actually helping them by not processing with them.
  • Hung out with roommate for a bit.
  • Planned second date.
End Thoughts
I can tell that getting close to men is going to be a challenge for me, and it always is. There were a lot of little things today, but I managed to stay in a good mood throughout the day, and stay in wise mind throughout all of it.

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