Friday, December 11, 2015

Show Me How To Say No To This

My friend, whom I affectionately call “Green Lantern,” is possibly one of the most frustrating friends I’ve ever had. I met him in March of 2015 and it was hard not to be smitten with him. He has these big dark eyes, a killer smile, and possible the nicest hair you will ever see. It was only a matter of time before he became my FP, and an even shorter time before we started a sexual relationship. We also, I believe, had a different type of friendship than what he’s used to. Our minds sometimes work very similar, and so I came to know him better than a lot of people in his life. I understood him in a way that others did not.

People will tell you that GL is sexist, a jackass, and causes a lot of people to keep there distance. I didn’t care, because when someone is on the pedestal you make excuses for the negative. GL also has Asperger’s and so I knew a lot of his behavior had to do with that. What kind of person would I be if I turned my back on him because of something not aways in his control? I have had so many people abandon me because they didn’t and couldn’t understand my disorder

I’m not going to lie, and you can probably figure it out. I’ve been intense with GL, I’ve messaged him way too many times, and I get panicked if he doesn’t reply. Nonetheless, it’s still incredibly difficult being his friend. Because of his Asperger’s, GL is disconnected from most human emotion; making it really easy for him to turn his interest on and off. He can be really sweet, caring, and has made me feel like he’s the only person who understands what goes on in my head. He’ll tell me I can tell him anything, and that it’s fine if I message him a lot. About a month ago he was talking to me a lot, hanging out with me weekly, and telling me that I’ll be able to hang to with him a lot more in the upcoming months because he’s free a lot during the colder months.

Then it’s like a complete 180. He’ll say things that cause me to feel like a burden when I message him, he’ll barely reply to me, and he’ll be super vague. About a week and a half ago I had a difficult time because he’d suddenly gone cold, and when I tried to talk to him about it, it got even worse. So, I decided to put some space between us. I stopped messaging and texting him, didn’t show up to the places we’re usually both at, even deactivated my Facebook (that was also for other reasons). 

I texted him on Saturday because I really wanted to hang out with him for my birthday next week. Yes, even after how much he hurts me, I still wanted to be around him. He never responded, and so I let it be. Today, I texted him again because I was in his area, asking if he wanted to say hi. He finally replied, and so I seized the opportunity to ask about the text from Saturday. Long story short, he won’t be hanging out with me for my birthday. I asked him if we could hang out soon, “I don’t know.” I asked him if I had done anything wrong and if we were still friends, nothing. We chatted a little, but it felt forced and it was mostly him giving me professional advice.

This is the person that a few weeks ago was hanging out with me weekly, being super understanding and making me feel cared for. Now he was acting ice cold. I know a lot of people will think, “well, maybe you were too intense. Maybe you pushed him away.” I’m sure that’s not fun, but this is different. It’s like a switch that he flips on and off, and it’s very binary. He’s either supportive, understanding, and will accept my bad parts or he’s vague, distant, and treats me like I’m an annoying burden.

Yes, I’m sure it’s partly caused by my BPD; but I honestly think a lot of it is on him. Because there have been times when I was being super intense that he was really laid back and chill about it, and still hung out with me. He also won’t talk to me until I approach him. He won’t tell me, “hey I need some space.” Imagine how I feel when that switch happens? He can be so confusing too. First he’ll tell me that he considers me a close friend, then when I mention I don’t like disappointing him (who likes disappointing anyone?) he’ll tell me, “I don’t want that level of friendship with anyone.” What? Is that an Asperger’s thing? 

Obviously my disorder plays a big role in this, and I’m not going to psychoanalyze myself. I know I shouldn’t let him have this much power, I know I’ve ignored a lot of his shitty behavior because I have him on the pedestal, I know I’m probably making excuses right now. I know I can’t control other people’s behavior, but it would be nice if people who knew what I went through didn’t do the exact things that make Beth go haywire. Like, if someone tells you not to hug them a certain way because they broke their ribs, unless you’re an asshole you’re not going to. 

No, I don’t control how people react to me, but people have the ability to show compassion and understanding. We adapt to the world around us, which means while I have to keep my feelings and behaviors and check because not everyone understands BPD, it also means that those who do understand can at least try and meet me half way. Sometimes I honestly feel like he only hangs out with me when he’s horny, and of course I keep giving it to him. I keep giving in no matter how upset and hurt he makes me. No matter how much he jerks me around, I keep coming back.

I let him dictate my mood, and that's unhealthy. It's also a very borderline thing. I become dependent on people for validation and happiness. I compromise my own beliefs and integrity and self esteem. Even after I stood up and said no more I sill felt guilty and struggled not to apologize. I was strong, but I still feel despair.

Show me how to say no to this. I can’t say no to this.

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