Sunday, December 27, 2015

Refusing To Let Go

I'm sad right now.

I projected self-hatred and anger onto a stranger.

I got jealous of my FP.

I'm bitter and sad and depressed over a game.

But really it's not cause of any of that. It's just a defense.

When I'm the upset it really can only revolve around one thing, or rather, one person. Daniel.

He called me on my birthday. After 4 months of ghosting, he finally called me. And it was the same old song and dance. He hasn't been doing well, and I feel really bad, but that isn't my story to tell. He's hesitant about seeing me because he wants me to get over him and he worries about how my reactions will affect him. He said we would talk this week. He hasn't returned any of my texts or calls.

It doesn't matter how much I prepare myself, knowing he probably won't call, I always end up devastated. It doesn't matter how much he tells me that nothing I can say will help and that the worse he feels, the less likely he is to call. I still end up desperately trying, and I end up spiraling as I try to find the right thing to say. But every text makes me angrier at myself and more paranoid. So I keep trying and it keeps getting worse.

I know he doesn't do it on purpose. He can't even trust himself, but it hurts every time. It hurts when he sounds so convincing, and then does this. It hurts that I can't even get him to send me a text saying he needs space. It hurts me and it hurts knowing that his issues are so severe that he can't even trust himself. I don't know if he thinks removing himself from the narrative is helping me get over him, but it's not. Because every time he does this it just makes things worse.

I can't let him go. I admit that. I can't let him go because of my borderline, because of my compassion, because he hasn't been abusive or cruel to me, because I know what it's like to be in his shoes. I know the healthy thing to do is to just walk away, never try and contact him again. But I can't, no I don't want to. Maybe wanting to keep him in my life is selfish, but it's the truth. It might be different if he told me he doesn't want me in his life, but he hasn't and I know he doesn't want that.

I don't think we'll date again, and I'm not trying to. If I'm being honest I miss having sex and cuddling with him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love him, because I do. But I can be non-monogamous, so I really don't think that's the issue. The issue is, well it's him. Because I've put in the effort, and he fully admits that we keep having problems because he's "getting worse." Our issues clash, and while I make mistakes, I still try to change and he can barely follow through with the simplest of promises.

So I'm depressed. I'm depressed he's doing this again, I'm depressed I got my hopes up, and I'm depressed I can't let go of him. I'm also depressed that the one person who could probably cheer me up and get my mind off the fact I'm not going to see Daniel this week, probably isn't going to. I hate having emotional amnesia. I hate that no matter how many times Daniel tells me there's nothing I can say, I still end up in a desperate attempt to try and get him to talk to me. It's pathetic.

I know I should just cut him out of my life. But I don't want to. I want him in it. Not to date, but I just know I'll have an easier time moving on.

Right now everything is sad, everyone is annoying.


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