Having BPD means that I feel things really intensely. Imagine burns covering your whole body, that's what emotions are like for me. The strongest of those emotions are often anger and love.
So that is why I am sitting here tonight, tears streaming down my face, unable to turn my thoughts away from SG. He has caused me more pain than any other person in my life. He lied to me, abandon me; but that's not the worst. He made me trust him again, and then did the same exact to me. He hurt me, multiple times, and I'm so angry with him. I'm angry that he gave me a false sense of security and optimism. I'm angry that he's on dating sites, but doesn't talk to me. I'm angry that he won't give me closure, that he told me he wanted to be friends and then ghosted me again. Obviously there's a lot of detail involved for those who don't know the full story, but now isn't the time.
Despite all the anger, however, I love him. And it's that love that causes the pain to run deep down to my core. Most of the time I do okay; out of sight, out of mind. Then he'll pop up in my memory again, and I'll fixate and I'll remember. Oh boy will I remember.
Then it will pass.
Until the next time.
I put myself back on a dating site again. It was a huge step. I think I just need to meet someone new. When I'm with GL I forget about SG. The times I think about SG are when I'm alone with no way to distract my thoughts.