Saturday, September 19, 2015

The Dreaded P Word

One of the perks of being intellectually aware of my disorder is that it allows me to analyze and understand easier why I react or behave the way I do sometimes. This, of course, can also be a downside; especially when the emotional just won't agree with that intellectual part of my brain.

When I first met P.L. he flirted with me, he thought I was great, we hung out, and we hooked up. Here's something I don't admit very often, sex complicates things for me. It makes it exceedingly difficult to not want that person' attention all the time. More so if that part of the "relationship" ends I take it as rejection. I thought this was the only reason I got upset when P.L. set the boundary of being platonic with me, but I realized it's so much more.

I use sex as a measurement of success and it ties in with my men, specifically men I put on pedestals. For me the removal of anything physical with P.L. is, um, physical evidence that things have changed. It's especially frustrating because the reason he did it is because I become to clingy. Every time I meet a new person it's a chance for me to do things right. With P.L. it's not that he doesn't like me less, it's that I feel like I ruined things by becoming obsessed and demanding so much of his time. So now every time I try not contact him every day I get angry and upset at myself when I fail.

On top of this I feel like an awful person. He's been kind, patient, honest, and forgiving with me and all I do is hound him about being intimate with him. As if all I care about is sex, and not the fact I have this great person as a friend. Because it's exceedingly difficult for me to be platonic friends with men I find attractive, especially if I've already been intimate with them in some way. Actually, that's the big piece. Making that transition from intimate friends to platonic friends is like punishment in my mind.

I do demand a lot of P.L.'s attention and that's a very BPD thing for me to do. He's someone I latched on to, and that latch tightened when we shared a bed. So now I feel like I should do everything possible to get him back in there, and that's so shitty. I shouldn't be his friend to achieve an end goal. But I hate change, I hate things like that being so final.

So I continue to seek his attention waiting for that perfect moment when everything is okay and it happens, but then a new thought pops into my head and I'm back to square one. For example we hung out yesterday and had a nice conversation and I was about to leave content.....but then just had to ask one more questions. He gave me an answer I didn't like, so of course I spent the bus ride home focusing on that.

There's so much I want to ask him, I want to know about him. I want to have conversations with him. But I take that chance away by constantly hounding him about stupid things like sex.