Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Soul Searching

This post is going to be a bit disjointed because there's a few things I want to address. It's always hard writing posts like these because this is all stuff I know internally, but saying or typing them "outloud" is humbling. Also, I am going to be re-naming some of the people I talk about on the blog.

SG=Pete
PL=Rob

But, before I get to them I want to talk about my current situation. It sucks, there's no other way to put it. It's not necessarily a bad situation, it's just not the one I want to be in. I'm extremely stressed at both work and home and I don't feel emotionally comfortable in either place. It's great that I have a job and a place to live, but I feel like it's the bare minimum. I'm working hard on finding a better job and moving out by October. I was considering going for my Doctorate, but it's just not financially the best idea for me. I do have to give myself credit for not giving up. As difficult as it's been I refuse to accept the status quo. I tend to get so scared about the future that it paralyzes me in the present.

The second thing I want to discuss is how I allow others (re: men) to both dictate and take care of my mood. This past week SG had not been contacting me and I was freaking out. Literally my entire week was shit and I was depending on him to call in order to turn things around. I tried to justify it, but the reality is I shouldn't be depending on someone else to change my mood. It's nice that he makes me happy and I enjoy hearing from him, but this was far different. On top of that when SG wasn't responding I was looking to PL to fill the void that SG left. It's not healthy to rely or depend on a person that much, especially when there's no guarantee they can be there.

Now that we're on the subject of PL, I want to address the third topic. I had therapy the other day and was talking to my therapist about how I've been having a lot of trouble controlling my anger lately. She told me I get very creative with my anger an that I'm a "force". We also discussed how there's different parts of me; and while the part looking in from the outside may feel guilty an regret it, the part causing the anger feels powerful and in control. Since that's something I haven't been feeling lately, I cling to it. Which brings me back to PL. The other day he called me, "overbearing", which isn't mean; it's fact. It's also not the first time someone has called me that (or "intense" or "too much" or anything like that). My defense mechanism in these situations is to say, "okay, let's see how long I can go without contacting them" and I will give myself some random arbitrary challenge. It's the opposite end of the black and white spectrum. Going from contacting someone too much to not at all.

As you may guess, there's issues with this. I ended up contacting him before my designated "date" and immediately felt like I had failed. I got angry at myself and regretted it.  So why do I do it? Because it lets me feel in control. Obviously it's always a lose-lose situation.

One of the most frustrating things for me is being very intellectually aware of my disorder, but still struggling with it emotionally.

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