Friday, August 14, 2015

Help, I Need Somebody. Not just Anybody.

I will never tell you that I have it all figured out or that I'm so far in my progress that I consider myself completely "cured" (I personally do not believe BPD is curable. I just think it can lay dormant). Despite all my struggles though, I have come a long way in controlling myself and getting myself out of emotion mind. Yes, I've struggled and stumbled, but comparing myself now to the past it's easy to see how far I've come.

But lately I do not feel like that. Lately I feel like I'm spiraling out of control, and I don't know why. I don't know what triggered it, but for the past week or so my behavior has scared me. I'm sure not going to group two weeks in a row didn't help (one week was because I had tickets to an event and the other was because our group leader was out of town). In the past week or so I've done the following:

  • Self harmed multiple times
  • Threatened suicide
  • Spit on someone
  • Had several melt downs on FB
  • Completely freaked out and had a severe melt down when Peter said he couldn't spend the weekend with me or stay over (because he has to write several papers for school on Monday and was very anxious about it and needed to get it done and be alone)
  • Said extremely nasty things to and about Rob and Pete
  • Went into a melt down because my messenger said Rob wasn't receiving messages from me at this time
  • Acted like a bratty child at work and basically had a temper tantrum
  • Yelled, swore, and insulted people on the street
  • Freaked out, swore, self-harmed, and threatened to kill myself inside a Sprint Store
  • Felt bitter and resentful towards Peter
I've been severely depressed, anxious, irritated, having night terrors. I don't know what's wrong, but I'm scared and things seem to keep snowballing. People say they care and want to help, but no one can give me the type of help I need. Sometimes I need very specific people to help me in a very specific way, and they can't. There's really no help someone can give me without really understanding my disorder in at least some way. Sometimes it seems that people want to help when I want to be alone, but when I need someone nobody is there.

I'm ashamed by my behavior and of course that's causing things to be worse. Because then I start beating myself up and ruminating. I'm disgusted with myself. With how I look, with where I am in life, with my behavior. And it's not like I'm not getting help. I start therapy on Monday and I am pretty good about attending group. I'm even on medication. I just don't know what's going on with me right now or when it's going to end.

I'm scared. I'm scared about getting worse, I'm scared about what people think, and the worst part is nobody really truly understands. I've had only glimmers of happiness in the past week before I go back to being depressed.

I just want this to end.

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