Thursday, July 23, 2015

The People In My Life-Part I

I'm at sort of a transitional period in my life right now. I have the things to keep me stable (job, place to live, therapy), but I'm only at the status quo. I'm thankful that I have some stability, but this is not where I want to be long term. However, in retrospect, looking for full time work is easier when you already have a job; and finding a better living situation is less stressful when you're not at risk for being homeless. I finally have my  "mental health trifecta"; therapist, psychiatrist, group. That is something that I desperately need and helps tremendously with both my external and internal stability.

But that's not really what I want to talk about in this post. I want to use this space to talk about relationships.  I'm going to be honest, and this shouldn't come as a surprise, I'm really bad at letting go. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but after not speaking with him or seeing him for seven months, Pete is back in my life. I saw his a couple of weeks ago and it's clear there's still a lot of chemistry and feelings there. However, he's made it clear that he's not ready to date anyone and doesn't know what the future holds for us.

There's an episode of  "How I Met Your Mother" called "Hooked" in which a euphemism is made regarding stringing someone along until they meet someone better by using the phrase, "right now." As in, "I really like you, but I can't be with you...right now." While my situation with Pete isn't exactly like this, there is some similarity. Because he doesn't know (and he really doesn't) what will happen with us; my brain has the, "right now" mentality. This causes me to be hesitant about dating someone else in fear that I will miss an opportunity with him. When I had sex with a friend a couple of months ago it was without guilt or worry because Pete was out of sight (mostly) out of mind.

So, obviously the answer is to cut off contact with him, right? I wish it were that easy. Because he's the one who wasn't responding to me, and because he's finally back in my life after all this time; doing so would not only be difficult, but make me unbearably miserable. I could just keep him in my life as a friend, but what makes that difficult (and I'm being honest), is sex. We have very strong physical chemistry and it's very hard for me to be around him without wanting to be intimate in some way. Whether that be cuddling, kissing, sex, or all of the above. Sex complicates things. Sex causes me to become more attached.  While I have been in poly relationships, I don't want to pass up someone who might be good for me because they aren't okay with me hooking up with my ex.

This is one of those situations where both being in the moment and not in the moment is difficult. Not being in the moment means a lot of "what if" thinking about my future and what will happen with Pete and I. However, trying to be in the moment makes me focus on how I'm feeling now when for all I know I could meet someone and not care about sex or getting back together with Pete at all. Luckily he does live two hours away so there is some distance.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Next post I'm going to talk about my struggle between fear of being alone and fear of bringing new people in my life.

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