Thursday, July 23, 2015

The People In My Life-Part I

I'm at sort of a transitional period in my life right now. I have the things to keep me stable (job, place to live, therapy), but I'm only at the status quo. I'm thankful that I have some stability, but this is not where I want to be long term. However, in retrospect, looking for full time work is easier when you already have a job; and finding a better living situation is less stressful when you're not at risk for being homeless. I finally have my  "mental health trifecta"; therapist, psychiatrist, group. That is something that I desperately need and helps tremendously with both my external and internal stability.

But that's not really what I want to talk about in this post. I want to use this space to talk about relationships.  I'm going to be honest, and this shouldn't come as a surprise, I'm really bad at letting go. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but after not speaking with him or seeing him for seven months, Pete is back in my life. I saw his a couple of weeks ago and it's clear there's still a lot of chemistry and feelings there. However, he's made it clear that he's not ready to date anyone and doesn't know what the future holds for us.

There's an episode of  "How I Met Your Mother" called "Hooked" in which a euphemism is made regarding stringing someone along until they meet someone better by using the phrase, "right now." As in, "I really like you, but I can't be with you...right now." While my situation with Pete isn't exactly like this, there is some similarity. Because he doesn't know (and he really doesn't) what will happen with us; my brain has the, "right now" mentality. This causes me to be hesitant about dating someone else in fear that I will miss an opportunity with him. When I had sex with a friend a couple of months ago it was without guilt or worry because Pete was out of sight (mostly) out of mind.

So, obviously the answer is to cut off contact with him, right? I wish it were that easy. Because he's the one who wasn't responding to me, and because he's finally back in my life after all this time; doing so would not only be difficult, but make me unbearably miserable. I could just keep him in my life as a friend, but what makes that difficult (and I'm being honest), is sex. We have very strong physical chemistry and it's very hard for me to be around him without wanting to be intimate in some way. Whether that be cuddling, kissing, sex, or all of the above. Sex complicates things. Sex causes me to become more attached.  While I have been in poly relationships, I don't want to pass up someone who might be good for me because they aren't okay with me hooking up with my ex.

This is one of those situations where both being in the moment and not in the moment is difficult. Not being in the moment means a lot of "what if" thinking about my future and what will happen with Pete and I. However, trying to be in the moment makes me focus on how I'm feeling now when for all I know I could meet someone and not care about sex or getting back together with Pete at all. Luckily he does live two hours away so there is some distance.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Next post I'm going to talk about my struggle between fear of being alone and fear of bringing new people in my life.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Real Talk

Warning this is going to be one of those posts where things get real. I'm going to talk about what's going on in my head regarding Rob.

The first time we hung out, he kissed me. He kissed me in his car, and before I left to go into my apartment he told me he didn't want me to leave. The second time we hung out he took me to this awesome place by the water near where we live. He was super sweet, and even held my hand to make me happy. The third time we hung out, he took me to a baseball game. Somewhere between these events two things happened; 1. I found out he doesn't ever want to have biological children and 2. we had sex.

When I spoke to him about whether or not we could have sex again he told me that it was "too close to a relationship he didn't want to have." So why then did he have sex with me before? Did he change his mind within a mere few weeks? He also thinks that I'm going to think we are more than just friends if we are intimate together; despite the fact I've discussed my feelings with him in length. He never seems to be super bothered by my intensity. He tells me it's "who I am", and that I demand his attention more than anyone else in his life. He doesn't state these to be mean, but rather as observations. Still, his actions say otherwise. I can't help looking at how he was in the beginning, versus how he is now. Why have sex with me in the first place if it's too close to something you don't want? Does he know how that comes across? It comes across like he was only nice to me to get in my pants. It comes across like he used me for sex.

Since our initial hang-outs (which were pretty frequent), he's made less (re: none) of an effort to hang out with me. It took me two-three weeks of asking to get him to hang out with me for an hour. In reality, it was a freak accident. He happened to be in the same place I was, gave me a ride home, and cuddled with me a bit. We kissed, but it's not the way we used to kiss before. He used to kiss me passionately, but these seemed like pity kisses. He says it's because he's super busy, but he didn't seem super busy to do things with me before.

Rob is someone who doesn't really like online communication. I am someone who for the most part communicates with friends online. So for every one message he'd send, I'd send ten. I try not to be intense, but it's hard when I feel like I don't have a lot of in person contact and I latch onto someone (re: someone I've had sex with). Most of my intensity comes from textual communication. When I see him in person (he hosts an event I attend) I'm pretty quiet, and only talk to him before and after the event; and never for too long.

The other night a friend and I popped into an event Rob was hosting because we happen to be in the area. I waved a hello when I saw him, and then sat down with my friend as the event wrapped up. When it was over I was patient and assumed once Rob was done packing his stuff up he'd come over to chat. I didn't want to disturb him while he was working, so I waited. Then he grabbed his stuff, and left. Didn't say one word to me, and that bothered the fuck out of me. He's always the type of guy to go say hi to people he knows. Since we were upstairs in the venue, I followed him downstairs and saw him sitting at a table. I jokingly berated him for not saying hi and he replied, "do I have to be up your ass all the time?" Well, seeing as how you've barely hung out with me in the past two months, I'd wouldn't think saying hello to me when I obviously came to visit you is "being up your ass." I asked him what he was up to and he said he was going to grab some pizza. I asked if he'd mind company, and he said "we'll see." He apparently did mind, because he said goodbye a bit later and left. The whole time I was talking to him I felt like I was bothering him, and he was only being nice to me to not blow his cover.

His cover? Well, because I'm me there are two scenarios going on in my head to explain the juxtaposition between when we first started hanging out and now.

The first, he's having sex with someone. He's "busy" because he's banging some girl on the DL, and he doesn't want me to know. Of course I know it's none of my business who he fucks, but the part that would bother me is him having sex with someone else after telling me what he did about not wanting to have sex because it's too close to a relationship he doesn't want. Obviously I'd be jealous, and while I know it's not my right to be since I don't own him and we aren't dating, it's the truth. When he was going to get "pizza" my brain thought, "he's going to some girls house, and he doesn't want me to know. That's why he was trying to avoid me tonight."

The second, he has been avoiding me and feeding me lines. Lines that make me believe nothing is wrong, when in reality he has a carefully detailed plan. I mean, the only time he's hung out with me the past couple of months was by accident. BPD says he doesn't like being around me, but he's too nice to tell me to fuck off; I scared him away with my intensity. I could tell myself that he talks to me at events, and even gives me shout-outs, but he's a host; it's his job to interact with his patrons. And it of course could all be part of the plan.

These two thought scenarios lead me to believe two things:
1. He thought I sucked in bed and doesn't know a nice way to tell me.
2. I'm a failure and I've yet again pushed someone away with my intensity.

I'm going to show him this blog. I've been trying to think of a way to tell him how I've been feeling for a while now, and this I believe is best. It's not going to matter, though. He's not going to care, and he's not going acknowledge my feelings and what I have to say at all. If he does it's going to be by telling me he's "uncomfortable" with what I have to say, or something along those lines. Maybe it's my intensity the whole time, maybe he realized what a borderline can be like and is looking for any excuse to get me out of his life.

He doesn't care about my feelings, and what I say will fall on deaf ears or somehow be responded to in a way that causes me to feel shitty about myself. I know I'm not perfect, I know I probably made a lot of mistakes with him, but my feelings are my feelings. And that's something I do have a right to.