Saturday, June 27, 2015

Validation and Inspiration

I find it pretty ironic that I consider myself a feminist, yet about 80% of the time the people who inspire me are cis, straight, white men. Of course this is more than likely due to my attachment to males which is a product of my BPD. Blah, blah, blah daddy didn't love me enough. I've talked about the black and white thinking of borderlines and how we tend to "split" people between good and bad. You're either amazing or terrible to us, and seeing the grey is difficult. While being tossed in the mud is not fun at all, being put on a pedestal isn't either; however, it can have its benefits.

If you are someone I hold in high regard then you are someone I'm going to listen to. You are someone who can get me to stop self harming with just a few words; you are someone who can light a fire under my ass, inspire me, make me want to do better. The thought of disappointing you will be unbearable.

Of course with that comes another inherent problem. My need for outside validation. I'm depending on other people to inspire me and help me do the right thing. On one hand getting inspiration from other people can be a positive thing, but not when you lose your sense of inner validation. For me that sense of wanting to impress and make someone proud can be lost just as quickly as it comes on. Either because my perception of the person has flipped or because they are no longer in my life.

There are probably 4 people in my life (2 newer, 2 older) who can tame my BPD better than anyone, but it's not up to them. I can't rely on them all the time, and it's not their job to control my disorder.

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