Monday, May 11, 2015

Star Sapphires & Green Lanterns

Part I-Challenge Accepted!

"It seems like you can't catch a break. You need someone to fucking care about you, so I will. It seems like no one else does."

This is a (extremely) paraphrased quote from Rob last night. He had just picked me up after I was stranded and after a 24 hours, no really a week, of constant shit storms. I expressed that I felt really bad that he had to come get me, and I really did. I hate feeling like I'm putting people out of their way. He was really sweet to say all that stuff, but part of me just can't trust it. Everyone says they care, everyone tries to be that person that's different from everyone else, and everyone always thinks that I'm easier to deal with than I let on.

And that right there is a fatal mistake.

You know how in How I Met Your Mother someone will say something random and Barney will reply with, "challenge accepted"? Well, that's sort of what my disorder does.

"I takes a lot to get me mad. I'm really chill, and it's really difficult to make me angry."

"Challenge accepted!"

"You don't seem so bad!"

"Challenge accepted!"

This is what happens. I don't seem "so bad" and my brain automatically has to prove people wrong. It has to bring out the worst in me to show the person just how bad I can be. That's not a good thing, and I know this.  I know that attempting to push people away is both a major and complex trait of BPD. I know that I should be trying to use my skills, and that I sometimes just don't really make the effort.

I can also admit that I've gotten way too attached to Rob. That I'm doing the same thing with him that I do with most interesting guys that enter my life. I latch on, I become obsessed, I attempt to push them away, I get obsessive and jealous, and then I flip out when they eventually leave. This is a common narrative of people with BPD. Robs been conscious of this, and has been careful with managing my expectations. Friendship first, as he put it. He wants me to make sure I'm okay and stable before we are intimate again or have any kind of physical relationship.

This of course opens up a huge can of worms for me. Well, more like two cans.

Can I: OMG! He's so awesome and sweet! I totally need people like this in my life ::becomes more obsessed::, ::puts on pedestal::.

Can II: What if I'm not good enough? How much time? What if he forgets me? Shit, what if he's tracking everything I said? I have to be careful of everything I say. Oh no, what if he abandons me?!!?

Part II-Let's Talk About Sex, Baby.

I feel like failure. I should be controlling myself better. Rob doesn't understand that most people leave me because I push them away; because when it comes to close relationships, especially when physical stuff is involved, I'm still very vulnerable. I don't have to be dating the person in order for this to happen. "Sex complicates things" is a statement that's true for me in more ways than one. I put too much stock into it because I often feel like the only thing I have to offer is my body, and when someone denies me I become angry and upset. At them, at myself, at my disorder.

What do I need to do to have sex with this person again? How long do I need to be on my best behavior? It's like I want sex to be a reward. I become paranoid that I'm going to "miss my chance." I also worry that they will say, "you know what? This is too much. We're never having sex again." I feel upset and paranoid even writing and admitting all of this; like I'm going to blow my"chances." I know that sex shouldn't be the reward, but even typing this I can feel myself escalating. I can feel myself worrying that one wrong move could end it all. Yet every time worried about stuff like this, I always moved on. It the in the moment that I have trouble with.

It's a catch-22. I want to have sex with someone again, but in order for that to happen I need to tone it down a bit. I then focus on the "reward", and then when I don't get it or they tell me it's not a good idea; I become upset. Of course, this is how I feel now. Maybe it will be different, I don't know.

I feel very exposed admitting all this. I feel like I'm making a fatal mistake. I keep going around in paranoid circles in my head. I'm worrying about every single word. I'm probably blowing all my chances right now. Fuck, I'm getting escalated again. I'm freaking out about everything I'm saying. The paranoia won't stop.  By writing this I'm scared Rob will "back off" or tell me "it's better we aren't ever intimate again."

Shit, shit, SHIT. Fuck, I'm fucking ruining everything! I shouldn't even be saying this. Nothing I say or think now is helping. I'm just becoming more and more paranoid. I want to be intimate with Rob again, but I don't want him thinking that's all I want. I don't want him "cutting off my chances" because he thinks I'm too obsessed. But by admitting this I feel like I'm just digging myself deeper.

There is no out right now. It's just a circle of paranoid and regret.

Part III-Paranoia, Paranoia. Everybody's Coming To Get Me.
I often feel like people are keeping tabs on me; that Rob is keeping track of everything I say and do in order to determine my worth. I become very paranoid about everything I say. Even being honest in this blog is making me dis-regulated. Because people are so judgmental. I'm becoming paranoid. Paranoid that he's only going to see the bad; paranoid that he's only going to judge me because I'm having a difficult time now. because people only know you from the moment that you meet them. He has no idea how much progress I've made. He only sees me as I am now and he's going to think this is how I always am. He's going to think that I have no changed that I have not improved.

I hate myself so much right now. I had a chance to prove how far I've come by being normal around a guy for once and I blew it. As usual I blew it. I just went into the same fucking frame of mind I always do and now I'm sitting here freaking the fuck out, paranoid, and regretting everything. I'm waiting for him to drop the bomb. To tell me that I'm "too much" and "too intense" and that "it's not a good idea for us to hang out." I'm waiting for him to cut off contact or to "set me free" or some shit so I can get better "on my own."

I can't win, I can't ever fucking win. I'm a fucking piece of shit, worthless loser. I hate myself. I hate this. I hate that this is going to make everyone think I haven't made any progress. I want to scream at people, "NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I'VE COME A LONG WAY. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME BASED ON THIS! PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU. FUCK NO NO NO! I TAKE IT BACK! DON'T, PLEASE!"

I just want people who understand that progress is not linear nor is it cookie cutter. I want someone in my life who acknowledges my progress and understands that I still may stumble. I don't want to be crying in Starbucks now.

I hate being this honest. I hate feeling this vulnerable.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate that admitting that is going to cause people reading this to make certain judgments about me.

Writing is supposed to make me feel better. Now I just feel worse and like I have something to prove.

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