Sunday, May 10, 2015

I'm Hard to Love, Hard to Love. No, I Don't Make it Easy.

I meant to post this sooner than now, but work and no internet at the house has made that impossible

I've never been a super private person. I mean, I am in some ways, but for the most part, I consider myself an open book. Of course this is not to say I go blabbing my life story and deepest secrets to every stranger I come across. However, if you're someone I've decided I want to keep around, then more than likely you're going to learn a lot about me off the bat; especially when it comes to having Borderline. A lot of people wonder why I am so open and volunteer so much information right away.

Easy, because I want to prepare people. BPD is an extremely difficult disorder to deal with both for me and for the people around me. I'm upfront and open for three main reasons.

  1. I'm Not Ashamed: Borderline is not who I am, but it is part of me. I'm not ashamed of that, and it's not something I feel I should hide. If a person had cancer they would more than likely be upfront about having the disease; so why should it be any different for mental illness? Knowing what I deal with means understanding and knowing me better as a person.
  2. It's Going to Come Out: I've said it before and I'll say it again; progress is not a linear, cookie cutter journey. While people with BPD can achieve long standing remission it does not come without roadblocks and sometimes mountains. My journey is more akin to four wheeling after a rain storm than to cruising down an open highway. I would rather people know up front than be surprised down the line. I'm not saying this because I feel I can't control myself, or I'm going to behave a certain way on purpose just to "show" people (although...). I'm saying it because it's the hard truth. I have a disorder and sometimes it's going to show its ugly head,
  3. The Best & Worst: You've seen the quote a million times, "if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." It may be overused and a bit cliche, but it's nonetheless very true. When I'm in wise mind, or even when I'm on the idealization side of BPD, I'm very easy to like/love. I'm your manic pixie dream girl, and you will feel like a million bucks around me. You'll find me quirky, fun, entertaining, and a pleasure to be around. You'll tell me things like, "your disorder isn't so bad" or "this isn't anything I can't handle" or even "It takes a lot to get me mad! You could never do that!" But eventually the same thing always happens. You'll see the worst of this disorder and realize; no you can't handle it, no one has ever made you angrier; you'll say all sorts of horrible things about me, cut off contact with me, and tell your friends what a psycho I am. Now, this is where things get tricky. I fully admit that sometimes I will purposefully sabotage things just to test and "prove" how bad BPD can be. This is why it's so important that I'm up front, because I want people to take this seriously. I don't want them to act like it's a simple thing to deal with. It's not, it's far from it. I'm not saying this as a way to self-sabotage or excuse my behavior. There's a reason BPD is considered one of the most, is not the most, difficult mental disorder to both deal with and treat. This isn't just me saying this, this isn't just me trying to get sympathy by saying "woe as me". This is the cold, hard truth. Google it, talk to professionals, and you will learn that this disorder is nowhere near easy to handle.
I'm writing this particular blog as a result of a conversation I had with Rob. Right now he's experiencing the, I-clearly-have-an-elektra-complex-and-he's-cute-so-he's-getting-major-idealization side of my disorder. Symptoms include; endless praise and compliments, over sexualized flirting, enough texts and Facebook messages to compile a novel, and severe worry and paranoia on my part in the form of, "OMG HE HASN'T RESPONDED TO ME IN THE PAST FEW HOURS. CLEARLY HE HATES ME AND HE'S SUPER ANNOYED AND IS GOING TO TELL ME TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM. SHIT LET ME SEND HIM MORE MESSAGES THUS FURTHER MAKING ME MORE PARANOID!" It also means that when I'm feeling bored, upset, excited, anxious, etc; he's one of the people I unload my thoughts onto.

I saw him last night, and his response to all my messages weren't, "I can't deal" or "please stay away" or "we've only been hanging out a few weeks, chill out" or even "you need to cool down." It was (paraphrased), "You talk more than most people I know, but it's who you are and nothing you need to apologize for," and pointing out that he still keeps me around and that actions speak louder than words. He also acknowledged that I talk a lot more online than in person. Woa, wait, what? Talk about stopping my disorder right in its tracks.

This still doesn't prove that he'd be able to handle the worst of BPD, but it does show me that he's already a bit more understanding than other people who have crossed my life. I'm well aware that I'm probably putting him on that oh-so complicated BPD pedestal, and viewing him through rose colored glasses. After all, “rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.” So what would wise mind say? Well, I'm certainly not going to discredit the validation he's given me, but I'm also not going to assume he's the Borderline whisperer. There have been too many people in my life who I've easily given that title to, and it's usually proven to be premature.

In the end I need to work on myself. My self validation, my self worth, and my self-esteem. While It's nice to have people understand me, and even learn ways to better “deal”, I also need to work on making it less difficult for others to be around me. It's not about me completely bending to the world, or the world completely bending to me. It's about a balance. A balance of understanding, patience, and most of all time.

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