Friday, May 22, 2015

Heartache and Hardships

I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. I can't really narrow it down to just one thing, because it's not just one thing. I'll try to break it down as best I can.

Home: I just completed my 13th move in about four years. Each moved happened because I was either kicked out, had drama, or was nearly evicted. Right now I don't even know when I'm going to be able to afford a place on my own.

Work: I'm beginning to dislike my job more than I like it. I've always wanted to work in my field, but I'm doing it in a capacity I don't like. I'm stressed and frustrated and it's mostly do to the unorganized nature of how things are run. By the end of the day I'm completely drained, and not in a good way. I have a degree that I feel is not much use beyond knowing more stuff about Psychology than people who didn't study it. I'm not license eligible, and in order to be I would need to pursue a second Master's degree.

Friends: I have so many friends to talk to online, but not a lot to see in real life; and that bothers me. Chats are nice, but sometimes even introverts need to be around people. If I don't count club nights (which are rare these days) I only have maybe one person I hang out with on regular basis. It's always been like that, at least for a while. Usually that person (not in this case) is someone I'm dating or fucking. I  never really getting invited out anywhere and feeling like I don't really have that person who I can call and say, “I need to get away. Can I come over?” and not feel like I'm imposing. Really what this is about is wanting to be able to hang around certain people and not being able to.

Relationships: I really don't think I need to go into this. We all know how the story goes. I meet someone I like, become super attached, come on way too strong, and then hate myself for doing so. The characters change, but the plot-line remains. Hell even people I'm not in a relationship with; just ask Green Lantern. We've only hung out outside his work on a few occasions and already he's pretty much saying I need to slow my roll. Sex, it's probably sex and intimacy that triggers something. Or that someone gives me attention and wants to hang out. Refer back to “Friends” on that. Part of me is still in love with Pete, and until I get proper closure and explanation it's going to be a very long time before those feelings go away. Especially because he finally talked to me after four months, just to cut off contact again about a month ago. Yet, I'm the one who keeps letting him do this. I have been more assertive in telling him he's being shitty, but it's usually followed up with an apology.

Abuse: This is perhaps one of the hardest things for me to write about. At this point I've been sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by different people. Some people may not consider some of it abuse (these people can fuck off. Abuse isn't always black eyes and full on rape), but I and others do. I wonder what people this of me. Is it her fault? Does she drive people to it? Why does this keep happening to her? Is she faking it for attention? Is it her disorder causing her to think she's being abused? I guess my disorder plays a role in that it can be very difficult to handle, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be abused. I didn't ask for it, and the people who have done it are people I cared about and got along well with. Having to get a restraining order recently and seeing “assault and battery” on the police report really hit home for me. I also sometimes feel like a farce. So I was grabbed and shoved; so I was touched without full consent, so I was screamed and and belittled. Is it really that bad? There are people out there who are beaten, raped, etc. I got the “good end” of the abuse stick.

I wish I had something positive to say, but I don't. I skipped DBT last night because  was too depressed to go. Which I know is stupid because that's when I need it most. I'm frustrated they still haven't found me an individual therapists as well. Over the past two weeks I've done a few acts of self hard. Albeit small and superficial, but still they were done. I guess the thing I have going is knowing this will pass, but even that doesn't help. My life for the past ten years has been such a series of cycles. Sure there have been good things, but they seemed to be overshadowed and it just makes me feel like I've completely wasted the years. A lot of this is standard BPD pattern. The splitting, black and white, being attracted to toxic people because. hey, at least they are people; wanting to give up when things aren't so great. However, I know I can't completely blame myself. No matter how difficult I am, I believe people can still make an effort to get to know and understand me. But as usual I deal with mental and not physical illness, so why should they?

Any way, I need to get to work. At least Molly loves me. Perhaps a more positive blog next time.

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