Friday, May 22, 2015

Heartache and Hardships

I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. I can't really narrow it down to just one thing, because it's not just one thing. I'll try to break it down as best I can.

Home: I just completed my 13th move in about four years. Each moved happened because I was either kicked out, had drama, or was nearly evicted. Right now I don't even know when I'm going to be able to afford a place on my own.

Work: I'm beginning to dislike my job more than I like it. I've always wanted to work in my field, but I'm doing it in a capacity I don't like. I'm stressed and frustrated and it's mostly do to the unorganized nature of how things are run. By the end of the day I'm completely drained, and not in a good way. I have a degree that I feel is not much use beyond knowing more stuff about Psychology than people who didn't study it. I'm not license eligible, and in order to be I would need to pursue a second Master's degree.

Friends: I have so many friends to talk to online, but not a lot to see in real life; and that bothers me. Chats are nice, but sometimes even introverts need to be around people. If I don't count club nights (which are rare these days) I only have maybe one person I hang out with on regular basis. It's always been like that, at least for a while. Usually that person (not in this case) is someone I'm dating or fucking. I  never really getting invited out anywhere and feeling like I don't really have that person who I can call and say, “I need to get away. Can I come over?” and not feel like I'm imposing. Really what this is about is wanting to be able to hang around certain people and not being able to.

Relationships: I really don't think I need to go into this. We all know how the story goes. I meet someone I like, become super attached, come on way too strong, and then hate myself for doing so. The characters change, but the plot-line remains. Hell even people I'm not in a relationship with; just ask Green Lantern. We've only hung out outside his work on a few occasions and already he's pretty much saying I need to slow my roll. Sex, it's probably sex and intimacy that triggers something. Or that someone gives me attention and wants to hang out. Refer back to “Friends” on that. Part of me is still in love with Pete, and until I get proper closure and explanation it's going to be a very long time before those feelings go away. Especially because he finally talked to me after four months, just to cut off contact again about a month ago. Yet, I'm the one who keeps letting him do this. I have been more assertive in telling him he's being shitty, but it's usually followed up with an apology.

Abuse: This is perhaps one of the hardest things for me to write about. At this point I've been sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by different people. Some people may not consider some of it abuse (these people can fuck off. Abuse isn't always black eyes and full on rape), but I and others do. I wonder what people this of me. Is it her fault? Does she drive people to it? Why does this keep happening to her? Is she faking it for attention? Is it her disorder causing her to think she's being abused? I guess my disorder plays a role in that it can be very difficult to handle, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be abused. I didn't ask for it, and the people who have done it are people I cared about and got along well with. Having to get a restraining order recently and seeing “assault and battery” on the police report really hit home for me. I also sometimes feel like a farce. So I was grabbed and shoved; so I was touched without full consent, so I was screamed and and belittled. Is it really that bad? There are people out there who are beaten, raped, etc. I got the “good end” of the abuse stick.

I wish I had something positive to say, but I don't. I skipped DBT last night because  was too depressed to go. Which I know is stupid because that's when I need it most. I'm frustrated they still haven't found me an individual therapists as well. Over the past two weeks I've done a few acts of self hard. Albeit small and superficial, but still they were done. I guess the thing I have going is knowing this will pass, but even that doesn't help. My life for the past ten years has been such a series of cycles. Sure there have been good things, but they seemed to be overshadowed and it just makes me feel like I've completely wasted the years. A lot of this is standard BPD pattern. The splitting, black and white, being attracted to toxic people because. hey, at least they are people; wanting to give up when things aren't so great. However, I know I can't completely blame myself. No matter how difficult I am, I believe people can still make an effort to get to know and understand me. But as usual I deal with mental and not physical illness, so why should they?

Any way, I need to get to work. At least Molly loves me. Perhaps a more positive blog next time.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Star Sapphires & Green Lanterns

Part I-Challenge Accepted!

"It seems like you can't catch a break. You need someone to fucking care about you, so I will. It seems like no one else does."

This is a (extremely) paraphrased quote from Rob last night. He had just picked me up after I was stranded and after a 24 hours, no really a week, of constant shit storms. I expressed that I felt really bad that he had to come get me, and I really did. I hate feeling like I'm putting people out of their way. He was really sweet to say all that stuff, but part of me just can't trust it. Everyone says they care, everyone tries to be that person that's different from everyone else, and everyone always thinks that I'm easier to deal with than I let on.

And that right there is a fatal mistake.

You know how in How I Met Your Mother someone will say something random and Barney will reply with, "challenge accepted"? Well, that's sort of what my disorder does.

"I takes a lot to get me mad. I'm really chill, and it's really difficult to make me angry."

"Challenge accepted!"

"You don't seem so bad!"

"Challenge accepted!"

This is what happens. I don't seem "so bad" and my brain automatically has to prove people wrong. It has to bring out the worst in me to show the person just how bad I can be. That's not a good thing, and I know this.  I know that attempting to push people away is both a major and complex trait of BPD. I know that I should be trying to use my skills, and that I sometimes just don't really make the effort.

I can also admit that I've gotten way too attached to Rob. That I'm doing the same thing with him that I do with most interesting guys that enter my life. I latch on, I become obsessed, I attempt to push them away, I get obsessive and jealous, and then I flip out when they eventually leave. This is a common narrative of people with BPD. Robs been conscious of this, and has been careful with managing my expectations. Friendship first, as he put it. He wants me to make sure I'm okay and stable before we are intimate again or have any kind of physical relationship.

This of course opens up a huge can of worms for me. Well, more like two cans.

Can I: OMG! He's so awesome and sweet! I totally need people like this in my life ::becomes more obsessed::, ::puts on pedestal::.

Can II: What if I'm not good enough? How much time? What if he forgets me? Shit, what if he's tracking everything I said? I have to be careful of everything I say. Oh no, what if he abandons me?!!?

Part II-Let's Talk About Sex, Baby.

I feel like failure. I should be controlling myself better. Rob doesn't understand that most people leave me because I push them away; because when it comes to close relationships, especially when physical stuff is involved, I'm still very vulnerable. I don't have to be dating the person in order for this to happen. "Sex complicates things" is a statement that's true for me in more ways than one. I put too much stock into it because I often feel like the only thing I have to offer is my body, and when someone denies me I become angry and upset. At them, at myself, at my disorder.

What do I need to do to have sex with this person again? How long do I need to be on my best behavior? It's like I want sex to be a reward. I become paranoid that I'm going to "miss my chance." I also worry that they will say, "you know what? This is too much. We're never having sex again." I feel upset and paranoid even writing and admitting all of this; like I'm going to blow my"chances." I know that sex shouldn't be the reward, but even typing this I can feel myself escalating. I can feel myself worrying that one wrong move could end it all. Yet every time worried about stuff like this, I always moved on. It the in the moment that I have trouble with.

It's a catch-22. I want to have sex with someone again, but in order for that to happen I need to tone it down a bit. I then focus on the "reward", and then when I don't get it or they tell me it's not a good idea; I become upset. Of course, this is how I feel now. Maybe it will be different, I don't know.

I feel very exposed admitting all this. I feel like I'm making a fatal mistake. I keep going around in paranoid circles in my head. I'm worrying about every single word. I'm probably blowing all my chances right now. Fuck, I'm getting escalated again. I'm freaking out about everything I'm saying. The paranoia won't stop.  By writing this I'm scared Rob will "back off" or tell me "it's better we aren't ever intimate again."

Shit, shit, SHIT. Fuck, I'm fucking ruining everything! I shouldn't even be saying this. Nothing I say or think now is helping. I'm just becoming more and more paranoid. I want to be intimate with Rob again, but I don't want him thinking that's all I want. I don't want him "cutting off my chances" because he thinks I'm too obsessed. But by admitting this I feel like I'm just digging myself deeper.

There is no out right now. It's just a circle of paranoid and regret.

Part III-Paranoia, Paranoia. Everybody's Coming To Get Me.
I often feel like people are keeping tabs on me; that Rob is keeping track of everything I say and do in order to determine my worth. I become very paranoid about everything I say. Even being honest in this blog is making me dis-regulated. Because people are so judgmental. I'm becoming paranoid. Paranoid that he's only going to see the bad; paranoid that he's only going to judge me because I'm having a difficult time now. because people only know you from the moment that you meet them. He has no idea how much progress I've made. He only sees me as I am now and he's going to think this is how I always am. He's going to think that I have no changed that I have not improved.

I hate myself so much right now. I had a chance to prove how far I've come by being normal around a guy for once and I blew it. As usual I blew it. I just went into the same fucking frame of mind I always do and now I'm sitting here freaking the fuck out, paranoid, and regretting everything. I'm waiting for him to drop the bomb. To tell me that I'm "too much" and "too intense" and that "it's not a good idea for us to hang out." I'm waiting for him to cut off contact or to "set me free" or some shit so I can get better "on my own."

I can't win, I can't ever fucking win. I'm a fucking piece of shit, worthless loser. I hate myself. I hate this. I hate that this is going to make everyone think I haven't made any progress. I want to scream at people, "NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I'VE COME A LONG WAY. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME BASED ON THIS! PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU. FUCK NO NO NO! I TAKE IT BACK! DON'T, PLEASE!"

I just want people who understand that progress is not linear nor is it cookie cutter. I want someone in my life who acknowledges my progress and understands that I still may stumble. I don't want to be crying in Starbucks now.

I hate being this honest. I hate feeling this vulnerable.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate that admitting that is going to cause people reading this to make certain judgments about me.

Writing is supposed to make me feel better. Now I just feel worse and like I have something to prove.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

I'm Hard to Love, Hard to Love. No, I Don't Make it Easy.

I meant to post this sooner than now, but work and no internet at the house has made that impossible

I've never been a super private person. I mean, I am in some ways, but for the most part, I consider myself an open book. Of course this is not to say I go blabbing my life story and deepest secrets to every stranger I come across. However, if you're someone I've decided I want to keep around, then more than likely you're going to learn a lot about me off the bat; especially when it comes to having Borderline. A lot of people wonder why I am so open and volunteer so much information right away.

Easy, because I want to prepare people. BPD is an extremely difficult disorder to deal with both for me and for the people around me. I'm upfront and open for three main reasons.

  1. I'm Not Ashamed: Borderline is not who I am, but it is part of me. I'm not ashamed of that, and it's not something I feel I should hide. If a person had cancer they would more than likely be upfront about having the disease; so why should it be any different for mental illness? Knowing what I deal with means understanding and knowing me better as a person.
  2. It's Going to Come Out: I've said it before and I'll say it again; progress is not a linear, cookie cutter journey. While people with BPD can achieve long standing remission it does not come without roadblocks and sometimes mountains. My journey is more akin to four wheeling after a rain storm than to cruising down an open highway. I would rather people know up front than be surprised down the line. I'm not saying this because I feel I can't control myself, or I'm going to behave a certain way on purpose just to "show" people (although...). I'm saying it because it's the hard truth. I have a disorder and sometimes it's going to show its ugly head,
  3. The Best & Worst: You've seen the quote a million times, "if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." It may be overused and a bit cliche, but it's nonetheless very true. When I'm in wise mind, or even when I'm on the idealization side of BPD, I'm very easy to like/love. I'm your manic pixie dream girl, and you will feel like a million bucks around me. You'll find me quirky, fun, entertaining, and a pleasure to be around. You'll tell me things like, "your disorder isn't so bad" or "this isn't anything I can't handle" or even "It takes a lot to get me mad! You could never do that!" But eventually the same thing always happens. You'll see the worst of this disorder and realize; no you can't handle it, no one has ever made you angrier; you'll say all sorts of horrible things about me, cut off contact with me, and tell your friends what a psycho I am. Now, this is where things get tricky. I fully admit that sometimes I will purposefully sabotage things just to test and "prove" how bad BPD can be. This is why it's so important that I'm up front, because I want people to take this seriously. I don't want them to act like it's a simple thing to deal with. It's not, it's far from it. I'm not saying this as a way to self-sabotage or excuse my behavior. There's a reason BPD is considered one of the most, is not the most, difficult mental disorder to both deal with and treat. This isn't just me saying this, this isn't just me trying to get sympathy by saying "woe as me". This is the cold, hard truth. Google it, talk to professionals, and you will learn that this disorder is nowhere near easy to handle.
I'm writing this particular blog as a result of a conversation I had with Rob. Right now he's experiencing the, I-clearly-have-an-elektra-complex-and-he's-cute-so-he's-getting-major-idealization side of my disorder. Symptoms include; endless praise and compliments, over sexualized flirting, enough texts and Facebook messages to compile a novel, and severe worry and paranoia on my part in the form of, "OMG HE HASN'T RESPONDED TO ME IN THE PAST FEW HOURS. CLEARLY HE HATES ME AND HE'S SUPER ANNOYED AND IS GOING TO TELL ME TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM. SHIT LET ME SEND HIM MORE MESSAGES THUS FURTHER MAKING ME MORE PARANOID!" It also means that when I'm feeling bored, upset, excited, anxious, etc; he's one of the people I unload my thoughts onto.

I saw him last night, and his response to all my messages weren't, "I can't deal" or "please stay away" or "we've only been hanging out a few weeks, chill out" or even "you need to cool down." It was (paraphrased), "You talk more than most people I know, but it's who you are and nothing you need to apologize for," and pointing out that he still keeps me around and that actions speak louder than words. He also acknowledged that I talk a lot more online than in person. Woa, wait, what? Talk about stopping my disorder right in its tracks.

This still doesn't prove that he'd be able to handle the worst of BPD, but it does show me that he's already a bit more understanding than other people who have crossed my life. I'm well aware that I'm probably putting him on that oh-so complicated BPD pedestal, and viewing him through rose colored glasses. After all, “rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.” So what would wise mind say? Well, I'm certainly not going to discredit the validation he's given me, but I'm also not going to assume he's the Borderline whisperer. There have been too many people in my life who I've easily given that title to, and it's usually proven to be premature.

In the end I need to work on myself. My self validation, my self worth, and my self-esteem. While It's nice to have people understand me, and even learn ways to better “deal”, I also need to work on making it less difficult for others to be around me. It's not about me completely bending to the world, or the world completely bending to me. It's about a balance. A balance of understanding, patience, and most of all time.