Thursday, April 9, 2015

Upstarts and Broken Hearts

I haven't talked about this because I was a bit unsure. Gordon broke us up. Okay, I realize breakup isn't the best word as we technically weren't  in a relationship, but it's the best I have. The reason I was unsure was because not long after we were intimate with each other and both agreed to being "confused." Though I'll tell you different it's very hard for me to have "platonic" intimacy. I can do it, but when I involved with someone and they "breakup" with me and then continue to be intimate, it gets confusing. Many people pointed out this issue when I was dealing with Pete. They thought it was unfair he wouldn't be clear with me about where we stood, but continued to have sex with me.

It's not secret that when it comes to relationships I often struggle with splitting. However, the level of splitting differs in each relationship. For example, when dating T I never cast him into the "Borderline Bog". With Gordon the level of splitting is really high. Higher than it's been for a lover in recent memory. Aside from stress, annoyance, and hurt for both parties; splitting also causes me to question myself. I love intensely, fiercely, loyally, and without reserve. However I often question if that love is real or if it's born from a fear of being alone. Gordon is the first guy I've been with since Pete, and he's the person I spend most of my time with.

There are times when he's totally sweet, fun, funny, and I love being around him. Then there are times he is cruel, harsh, unsupportive, and I want to run away from him. This is where the gray is really important. Instead of seeing him as two separate people, Evil Gordon and Good Gordon, I need to see him as a human being who not only has faults; but has faults that have probably been caused from a really tough life and lots of shitty experiences (seriously, this guy has been  through a lot). I admire him a lot, and that's not the pedestal talk. I truly do. While he has said some pretty harsh things they have either made me think or made me more determined to prove myself and reach my goals. I also know that if I wait long enough he'll usually apologize for being a dick.

Still, he sometimes says stuff that's hurtful. For example, last night I mentioned that I had committed to starting a daily mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is the core of DBT and dealing with BPD. The more I practice mindfulness in my daily life, the easier it is to use in times of crisis. When I told him this I wasn't looking for cartwheels and confetti, but perhaps an inquiry as to what exercise I did or maybe even asking how mindfulness helps me. Instead he just said, "okay," and "what do you want me to say? Congrats you decided to do something." When he tells me about a new recipe he came up with I show interest, listen to him describe it, and maybe even comment about how it sounds. I do not dismiss it with, "big whoop. You're a chef, that's what you do." However, on the other hand part of me feels that he does this as a way to subtly force me to self-validate. Whether or not he meant to, that's what ended up happening.

I know the more I work on me, the less horrible Gordon's negative traits will seem. It's really tricky to tell if I like him for him or because he's available and I don't want to be alone. I don't even know if he's gonna wanna be with me in the end. I do know when he's not around I miss him, and most of the issues we have are either caused by me or by my reactions to him. Being patient will go a long way with him.

I'm not really sure what to think right now. As always, one day at a time.

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