Sunday, April 5, 2015

Shut Down.

I sometimes have a habit of posting private conversations between me and a partner online. I take to Facebook and air dirty laundry, looking for support and validation. I do this not to try and cause issues, but because I often feel unheard.

I've noticed a pattern with Gordon, and it's a pattern that often has me going to FB for solace.

  1. Gordon says something that is upsetting, unsettling to me.
  2. I express my feelings.
  3. He says something that makes me feel like there's something wrong with how I think.
  4. I go on Facebook to see if I'm alone
  5. He insists I took things wrong, and then comes in with a bunch of information he did not previously tell me.
  6. I try to have a discussion with him (after tons of fear).
  7. He gets angry, makes sure his side is heard, and then shuts down the conversation.
  8. When I try to communicate he says something like, "I don't understand why everything has to be a long, drawn own conversation."
I don't think he's ever validated my feelings, admitted he could be wrong, or even acknowledged that he understood where I was coming from. He rarely even seems interested in hearing my feelings. In order to talk to him I have to literally build up courage. Most often our "arguments" end with him shutting things down, me feelings bad, and then me apologizing.

Of course, I'm sure he would explain things entirely differently. I'm sure he doesn't recognize how his communication tactics are upsetting, and make me feel unheard. The last person who made me feel this way? The person who sexually and emotionally manipulated and abused me. I'm not saying Gordon does this to me, but I don't want someone who claims to care about me making me feel the same way someone like the former did. I don't want to feel like I have to stay in the darkness.

It seems like Gordon only care about having his views heard. Dominating the conversation, and then deciding he's has enough when I try to express myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. I've been told to just keep to myself, not talk to him unless I have to.

"And this is the tale, you see, of the sociopath and me."

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