Wednesday, April 8, 2015

On A Life Lesson

For those who don't know, instead of resolutions I do "life lessons." These are a few sayings/reminders I try to base my journey on for that year. I don't remember the year, but one of those life lessons that has always stuck with me is,

"The only person who has the right to judge my progress is me."

There are a few reasons this is important to me.

1. There is a saying that tells us to not judge someone else's story because we do not know their journey. The only person who knows the entire path I've traveled, is me. Not even my parents know. Because the internal journey is just as important as the external journey.

2. My journey is not a smooth open road ride, but rather an intense off road excursion. I'm going to have bumps, and I'm going to fall. I'm the only person who can measure the scars and rebounds of my mistakes now versus my past.

3. No one knows the internal. When I'm quiet on the outside, I could be processing on the inside. When I'm angry on the outside, I could be hurting on the inside. When I seem like I don't care on the outside, I could be ashamed on the inside.

Life has decided to throw a lot at me, but I always make it through. I have been hurt by a lot of people, but I still remain compassionate and caring.

Because love is the best thing we do.

I choose to see the good in people, and it's rare I completely cast someone off. There are people who no longer speak to me that I still care about. It's not because I'm emotionally torturing myself; it's because I know their reasons were partly on me (I'm not putting myself down, it's a fact). Just because I get nostalgic about my past, does not mean I'm not invested in my future. And those who truly did hurt me, abused me, do not get a second thought.

I know I have work to do, I know I make mistakes. This past summer I went through all my diaries from 10-20s, and it reminded me of that life lesson. Because while I still have some of the same faults, the person I used to be is not the person I am.

▪I used to say really racist, sexist, body shaming, slut shaming things
▪I'd never take responsibility for things I've said. Recently I've spent a good chunk of time making amends to several people. And just the other day I read an article where I recognized I was guilty of saying the things in it, and I shared it.
▪I'm in several BPD groups where I show compassion when others are confused about behaviors. I always wonder if something else is going on when someone is lashing out, and I make sure people know my issues do not reflect theirs.

I've controlled the wheel of this ride for my whole life. Others have just been passangers, getting glimpses of the scenery and the mud.

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