And now we come to Pete. My kryptonite. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have feelings for him. I know we'd never work long term, but that doesn't mean the feelings just go away.
I haven't really talked about what's been going on with him because frankly I didn't want to deal with all the judgement. After four months of crippling silence (no way to even leave a vm) he finally picked up one of my calls. We talked twice that day. Before hanging up he told me we'd talk later that week.
Then nothing for close to two weeks.
Because of the past, because of the number of times he's avoided, hidden, and ran; I find it very difficult to trust him. I question what he tells me and I never know if he's just too scared to tell me he doesn't want me around.
Ten days later he texted me, apologizing for not talking and that things had been tough. He told me he'd call me that week to fill me in. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe because I know deep down he doesn't do it on purpose, he's not intentionally cruel.
He never called, and I finally got a hold of him again this past Monday. He told me he'd call me the next day (Tuesday) a bit after 7pm. Instead of leaving it at that I had to ask him if we were friends and if I could see him in May (we had talked about it when we had our initial contact). He then did what he does when he usually doesn't want to tell me the truth. He avoided the question. Eventually he said, "we're good," but I was still left with an uneasy feeling.
Tuesday came and no call. He didn't even reply to my texts. I found out later he had hung out with his friend, and I got an uneasy feeling knowing he couldn't even text me to tell me that, or that he had to postpone the call.
Here's what happens when he does this. I get intense. I send him multiple messages, hoping he'll respond to one. He has a hard time dealing with my intensity. It's a catch-22.
I'm scared. I'm scared he's doing this because he doesn't want to tell me that it's not a good idea for us to be friends. I'm scared he regrets talking to me again and now he's trying to push me away by leading me on and avoiding me. I'm scared his friends are telling him to cut me from his life. I'm scared to confront him straight on about this.
I wish I could say that I was overreacting, but his track record has proven there is truth to my fears. That even after all that time apart there's still stuff he has that brings out stuff I have.
So why do I bother? Why do I keep coming back? Because despite what anyone says, he's worth it. He may not be a good long term partner for me, but he is worth my time and effort as a friend and human being.
I don't condone the things he's done, but I know they weren't out of malice. I know what it's like to abandoned and accused of being awful things because of what I've said and done when I wasn't controlling my disorder. I also know there are people who have stuck by me.
Of course he may simply not want me around. He certainly has other friends who are closer and he's known longer. I may be wasting my time, but in the end every moment is worth it.
I probably should dial things back a bit, but I'm scared if I do it'll be another four months before I talk to him again. I wish he'd talk to me, so I knew what he wanted. There's potential I'll get really hurt. I admit that.
But some people are worth the pain and tears.