Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Rainbow

My last three major relationships pretty much started with a lie. None of them were ready for something serious, but me being be I pushed them into it. Of course I always ended up getting hurt in the end.

So of course it would make sense that I was the one to initiate the next step for Gordon and I. I'm so used to the, "ya I really like you, but I'm not ready to date," so why would I believe that it would be any different for him? We're in an "it's complicated" relationship right now, because it is.  In my heart I want to date him, but knowing my luck he'd just be, "nope. Not ready for that," and I'd end up feeling like a fool. I'm also trying to take it slow because I'm still dealing with Pete, and right not Gordon is giving me a place to live.

Slow? HA! It's like I am incapable of taking things slow. My brain is all chill and my heart is all, "GO GO GO!!" Of course I'm looking at Gordon as if he's some sort of untouchable God, and that has made me lash out at him. I've pushed and fought because I feel like I don't deserve him. Or maybe I'm just giving him the pedestal status like I do every other guy I'm with.

But you know what's different about Gordon? He wants to like all of me. Not just the best parts, he wants to learn about my BPD and he wants that part of me to like him.

There's is one thing I stand by if you date me. It is easy to love a person when they are at their best. If you want to prove you truly love me, then love me at my worst. Love me when I'm screaming at you and hurling insults. Love me when I come back and start hating myself. Love me when I'm paranoid. Love me when my BPD has taken complete control.

Love me when it's hard.

Because if you can walk through the storm and prove you're strong enough to stay, then there is a rainbow at the other end.

No comments:

Post a Comment