I've been meaning to write this post for a few days now, but I've honestly not been in a good head space at all. I've honestly not been dealing with this whole Pete thing well at all. No, I don't want to say that because then I'm not giving myself any credit. My ability to handle it comes and goes in waves, and unfortunately these past few days were a great big wave of, "not at all."
I guess in order to fully explain (and trust me, even I don't really get it), I have to attempt to explain how my mind works. Let's start with the fact there is a new guy in my life, we'll call him Gordon. I like Gordon, I'm pretty sure Gordon likes me and there is definite chemistry. I am not, however, in anyway ready to get into something serious. So Gordon and I have been fooling around a bit, mostly above the waist stuff and I like it; it feels nice, but it also triggers thoughts of Pete; which in turn cause me to attempt to contact him over and over even though I told myself I wouldn't (he actually picked up, thinking I was someone else and then promptly hung up on me). Stop, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hazel, why would you waste your thoughts on him? He lied to you, he abandon you."
Let's clear some stuff up. This isn't about me being in love with Pete and this isn't about thinking we will get back together (I know deep down we never would have worked). This is about closure, or lack thereof.
Borderline Fact #34
We don't like not having a solid foundation.
I've been abandon before, or rather people cut me out of their life. The difference with them was that I was either told they were doing so or I had a source to stem things from (e.g.-a fight). With Pete I didn't get that. Not only did I not get any warning, but there was no fight and our last conversation was pleasant. I have no foundation, nothing to hold on to, no comforting closure. If you've been reading my blog I bet you can guess what happens next. Complete inner turmoil and conflict.
I know I'm difficult to deal with, and I angrily blame myself. If I wasn't so intense, so pushy, so needy this would not have happened. Obviously the only way for him to get space was to do the cruelest thing possible; but being left with nothing is incredibly difficult to deal with. Not knowing if he plans on talking to me again, not knowing if he's angry with me or if he hates me. I know, why should I care? Hello, have you been paying attention? I feel very, very intensely. So imagine taking that intensity and throwing it out into the void with nothing below. Just falling through an endless canyon of unanswered questions and the only way they will be answered is out of my control.
I hate not having control. I hate not having some sense of stability.
That's why when Gordon kisses or hugs me it triggers thoughts of Pete. It's not because I'm pining for Pete (though of course my brain is going to focus on and highlight the good things about Pete, making things even more difficult). I used to think feeling guilty about doing things with Gordon was because I felt like I was betraying Pete, but it's not. It's about triggering everything that is unknown, but there's also something more; something more that I didn't realize until yesterday.
What this is partly about is my lack of self-worth. I've talked before about how a Borderline will stay in an abusive relationship because of that intense fear of abandonment. An abusive relationship is more desirable to the Borderline than being alone. It's fucked up, but isolation and abandonment is literally the thing we fear most.
So how does my self-worth play into this? Gordon is great; he's sweet, patient, caring, kind, and most of all he's shown me that he can deal with my BPD at its worst. So what's that problem? The problem is I feel like I don't deserve it. I can't look Gordon in the eye and I jump back at his touch not because he did something wrong, but because I feel like I am undeserving. I feel that I am so difficult to deal with that I don't deserve someone like him. I want to reiterate that we're not in a relationship, I still need to deal with stuff on my own. I have such low self-esteem and mixing that with feelings of guilt, shame, regret, anger, hurt, confusion......welcome to the mind of a Borderline.
The last thing I want to mention is this. A friend said something that upset me, and while I know she was only trying to help, it still triggered me.
Six years ago when T broke up with me I drove to his house in the middle of the night, completely disassociated. Recently I talked about how I want to drive to Pete's work and wait for him. My friend recently compared these too things and here's why it upset me. One of the best lessons I learned in therapy is the difference between thoughts and actions. Thoughts are thoughts and feelings are feelings, it's what I do with them that is important. Yes, the thought of driving to Pete's work has crossed my mind, but I haven't and comparing the thought of doing something to the action of doing something as if they are the same was unfair.
Honestly though, I'm being unfair to her. Dealing with a Borderline is incredibly difficult. I don't even know how to deal with myself. I can't say to someone, "when I'm like this, do this," because I'm so inconsistent. I think right now things are just more difficult cause there's so much change going on in my life; and change for a Borderline, no matter what capacity, is incredibly difficult to deal with.