Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Mortified

I realize that writing this here is probably not the best way of letting my feelings be known, but honestly I'm just to chicken shit to say them in person. Mainly because I know if the tables were turned I'd flip my shit.

I don't know what's going on with Gordon and I. We're in this weird limbo I felt when I was with Pete. We go out, we've had sex and fooled around, we cuddle, but we're still "friends". He's made his intentions very clear. He likes me and he wants to date me. I told him I am on the fence, and here's why. It's not that I don't like him, but I think dating him while I'm staying at his place may potentially cause problems (even if he thinks they won't). I'm also in a situation where I want to make sure I like him and not just the next thing after Pete. I can only really do this if we're apart for more than 12 hours.

Last night he helped me out with some stuff and it was such a big deal for me because no one has really helped me that much before, and remained patient with me the whole time. I happily said, "OMG I love you!" in the way I would say it to a friend that just brought me my favorite latte. Later that night we were laying in bed together and he said, "love you, hun", but not in the way he'd say it to a latte bringing friend. This sort of set of triggers for me. Black and white thinking? Getting attached quickly? Can you guess why something like this might send up a red flag for someone like me?

That's not the part that if the tables were turned I'd flip out, not that's something much different. Frankly I feel like a douche bag talking about it, but he understands that sometimes I communicate best through writing. So, here goes.

Last night (before the "I love you" debacle) we went out dancing. I'm pretty much straight edge so opted for a Red Bull, he on the other hand had a couple of alcoholic beverages. He claims that he wasn't tipsy (and I believe him), but he was acting drunk (enough so that I had to question his sobriety). So what did he do that got me so upset? He seemed to have a complete lack of awareness of what was going on around him, in conversation, and with me and for some reason that really bothered me.

  • A friend of mine came back over from talking to a guy. I asked her, "good or bad" and she indicated that it was good and he was cute. Later the guy accidentally bumped into my friend and she expressed happiness over this. Paying no attention to the situation, Gordon placed himself in a "protective" way between me, my friend, and the guy. He didn't get the hint as I tried to subtly get him to move. 
  • While having a conversation with a different friend about another event in the area my friend mentioned that a variety of types go to the event (spinners, burners, goths, etc). Gordon, again, paying no attention to the conversation said, "Cureish", referencing the band The Cure (I'm guessing he meant "Old School"?). Since we were talking about types of people (or better yet, certain circles) this confused my friend.
  • While talking to the first friend (a very pretty female, by the way) Gordon kept touching her (ie-touched her arms when looking at her tattoos, touched her chest when looking at her piercing, put his arm around her). I have a huge problem with this. Not because I feel like I have a monopoly on Gordon, but because I strongly believe that you should ask someone's permission before touching them. Especially in this situation. It was the first time Gordon had met my friend and he had not way of knowing if she'd be okay with being touched by a stranger (I even asked if I could give her a hug). My friend didn't say anything, but she was also drinking and hey isn't that how victim blaming stops, "well, she didn't say anything..."?
  • At one point I was just super annoyed and Gordon wanted me to look at him so he could make some stupid faces. I didn't want to because they just would have embarrassed me since I was in such a highly irritated state.
  • I like getting complimented, but Gordon would just not stop. It was to the point where it was obnoxious. I realize this is hypocritical of me because when I'm dealing with idealization of a person I won't shut up about how amazing they are. I guess being on the other side I can see why it would make someone uncomfortable. 
  • When I'm out someplace I tend to constantly be looking around. This is partly due to anxiety of being there and of seeing certain people. I hate being constantly asked if I'm okay or what's going on. If I have something to say I will address you directly.
Again, I feel like an asshole for being so nitpicky. When we left we walked home and I calmed down a bit by the time we reached the apartment. Then when we were laying in our beds (and he was still complimenting me) I looked over after he fell asleep and my heart just melted.

I make no sense. This disorder makes no sense.

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